Miezeosi

still no sign of my cat.. gone for a week now..

.. i still hope she will return...

Christmas is already history and the eery days between the years have arrived. These days have always both touched me and troubled me. it's the time of the year when I look back and revisit past events. it's the time of the year when i wonder what the future holds. its the time of the year to make plans and to express wishes and hopes for a new year, which will be on my doorstep in the blink of an eye. I try to put myself and my life into some sort of perspective but no framework seems to fit. i truly wonder whether i will come up with a list of new year resolutions within the next couple of days.

the biggest Christmas gift of all would be if my cat came home. She has been gone now since Tuesday morning! She has never been away for more than three days and I'm terribly worried. it's cold outside, it's winter, it's icy, and i have no idea where she might be.. .

i put the 'igloo' out for her, so she would have a warm 'house' waiting for her, if she happened to return during the night. I put food out, in case she is hungry. But no sign of Mieze. none. Christmas is tainted with worries and i pray for a Christmas miracle!!

Merry Christmas

it's Christmas again. Like we wouldn't know 364 days ahead of time. But time and again it feels surprising. wow. there it is - Christmas.

it started snowing yesterday and I felt like being inside of a snow globe. A White Christmas. and i remember my mother telling me that angels fly from house to house, and once in a while, I would find a golden hair - an angel hair. This little 'Lametta/tinsel' piece was so precious to me, as it symbolized another world, a world free of worries and filled with Happiness and Laughter.. Merry Christmas.

My mind is racing and my thoughts are repetitive. it's the same set of boring, critical dialogues and voices. I'm so tired of them. it's the most absurd concert in my head. luckily, nobody can hear it. these word clusters lead to nowhere and are mental garbage. But i can't escape from myself. I create them and consequently, i have to listen to them and it feels like an avalanche coming down. it drives me crazy. or should i rather say I drive myself crazy? what difference does it make....

Sunday. the snow storm did not arrive last night, or at least not here. Consequently, the ground is grey instead of white; the sky is overcast instead of clear and the temperatures are still so very low.

Sunday and Christmas music is playing. the lights on the Christmas tree make the ornaments sparkle. My morning coffee is getting cold and I'm in the mood for baking cookies, but i need to go to the supermarket first. I'm out of butter and eggs. The smell of cookies in the house is so delightful, so maybe i should get myself going? I have all these wonderful cellophane bags with golden stars printed on them. perfect gift bags for the almond cookies...mmmmmmmmm

4F feels like -6F. it is absolutely quiet. The only sound i can detect comes from my laptop. a very low and even tone, maybe it is the hard drive. The cold has swallowed all sounds. No wind today.

Only silence. loud silence. I'm trying to sit still, to listen to the silence, but my mind produces so much noise. it's disturbing. If i turn on the radio or put on some music, I'm sure it will feel more quiet. even the cat is sitting quietly. In three days winter will start, officially.

it's cold outside. oh baby, it is cold outside.

the wind is relentless and the temperatures lingered in the single digit realm this morning.

i rearranged my 'study'. it is the smallest room in the house, maybe 10 feet by 16 feet. the desk was originally placed in front of the window, but I never really felt quite comfortable sitting there. the view out of the window was great, but having my back against the door wasn't good at all. it never felt right, however it looked good.

Now the desk is in the center of the room, and my back faces the wall. this little change changes the entire feeling of the 'study'. i love it. it's as cozy as it should be, and as i have some cut branches from our christmas tree, i will put them in a large vase in front of the window. it's Christmas time, oh yeah, it is Christmas time.

wrapped in time. this is how the last few days have felt. every other hour presented a new 'event', yet it was scheduled ahead of time. the hours within the framework were enjoyable as long as i let my mind dive into them, with no second guessing.

Only at night, in bed, the wrapped time comes back to life with full force. and while i try to 'think' about it, i fall asleep. wrapped in dreams.

a mirror reflects oneself, but which part? you are the one who looks at the reflection. what do you truly see? an idea of yourself? an objective image? i think reality cannot be more bent!

there is a famous fairy tale that starts with the words:

'mirror mirror on the wall, who is the prettiest of them all?'

this sentence probably cannot be worded any better.

the judge is the mirror, not the mirroring object itself.

just late night thoughts..

a long work day. a late dinner. a fight. christmas cards. jazz music. snowfall is expected during the night. the moon is hiding behind clouds. and so is my soul. the 8th day of the last month of the year.

a short last night. tired. the candles are still burning. the temperature setting for the heat has switched to 'night'. my fingers are getting cold. i would like to stay up. for once. but i might have to work tomorrow. so reasoning is overriding my mood. maybe I should pull out my christmas CD's from the back of the shelf? the cat is coming downstairs, again. i put her on my lap and she purrs. what a relaxing sound. oh, and off she goes. again. 23 days and a new year will start. 23 is my lucky number!

overnight the landscape has been transformed into a beautiful winter wonderland. the marvelous blue sky and the thick patches of white snow are such soul food. A perfect Sunday for a long walk, for the first fire in the fireplace later in the day. for a hot chocolate, a snowman and candle light. Luckily, i put up the Christmas decorations last Sunday, so the green garlands and red ribbons look wonderful against the white snow.. it's a gorgeous day!

Tomorrow is the wedding of one of my very best girlfriends. it's her first wedding. the wedding cakes are baked, the present is wrapped and i still have no idea what to wear. the motto is: 'dress like a star' ! bravo. i don't think my wardrobe has even one piece that comes even close to star quality and i don't have the time - or frankly the money - to go 'outfit shopping'.. a star. i tell myself that she is the star of the day and that my pair of Jeans just won't work and my dresses are all of the classical variety. hm. or at least not 'star and stripes'- like and i might not even fit into the dresses i have, aaaah..... what a 'problem' to have.... tomorrow morning this problem has a potential to turn into a wonderful negative dialogue covering topics, like 'too big, too boring too poor, too..'.. and i have no idea how to avoid it...

yet another day glued to the computer screen. 9 hours later and it's dark again. it is amazing how these little machines have turned into such powerful communication and work tools, that life without them seems more unthinkable than, say without a telephone, or without hot water or even without cars. everything gets channeled through these wireless waves and i wonder how many words and images are floating through the universe now at any given moment! what took the place of these 'information waves'? what void is filled with them or what is pushed aside? where do these waves reside? These are most likely the questions of a typical 'non-science' person. but really, think of it - the voices, the images, the words. with the right 'toy' you can tune into an endless non-visible world. are these information waves quiet or do they produce some sort of sound while they travel at such a high speed from computer to satellite and back? do they produce heat? .. nine hours dedicated to this world within a world.. i better go meditate now!

the last day of November. A grey and rainy day, a typical November day. The house is decorated with wreaths and candles, ornaments and lights, and it looks cozy and inviting. I love this time of the year, prior to Christmas. The smell of baked cookies, candle lights and the sparkling ornaments.

the storm is amazing. the gusts of wind come in waves. they rattle the house, they shake it. during the night it was almost spooky to hear these loud roaring noises without the sound of rain being included in them. i heard the night before that there would be 60 miles per hour winds, and considering the noise level these gusts produce, I absolutely believe it. the funny thing is that it is not an ongoing constant phenomena - like a rain storm or a snow storm - it's more like lightning and thunder. you can hear the wind coming from a distance, you can almost feel the 'wave' moving toward the house and passing it. and then it is silent again, for seconds, for a minute or two, until the next attack comes. Actually, when i start thinking about it, it is quite disturbing. where is this energy coming from? what makes the air move with such velocity? right now it's silent again.

I had this really weird dream. i was sitting in an airplane, flying home to Germany and we had a stop over in Siberia. or at least i thought that the airport was in Siberia. it was dark and grey outside and the plane was on the ground for the longest time. i finally placed a call to a friend and said ' I'm home in about 8 hours so i will call you once i have arrived'. And then panic struck me. Why was I on the plane? how did i get there? when did i book the ticket, who was i planning to see? it all made no sense whatsoever.

the interior of the plane had suddenly changed and it looked more like an old fashioned tavern. I stood up and when I asked some people how long the layover might be, I learned that i was not on a plane and that i was not flying anywhere - which made me panic even more! Where was I ?

Suddenly, my girlfriend appeared. she looked tanned and tall and she had just come from a pool (!) then i found myself in water and I had to do some swimming exercises before finding myself back on the 'airplane', and not knowing where to go from here. I stared at my phone and didn't know who i should call. i felt lost, confused, sad, nervous - it was almost a nightmare .

the mailbox is full. not the virtual mailbox. the blue mailbox. the real mailbox. the mailman's mailbox. the letterbox outside the house. it is full of advertising papers declaring all these special offers such as: 'buy now, save so much', 'buy now, pay later', 'buy two for one', 'buy three, get one free'. There are tons of Thanksgiving offers for turkeys, roasting pans and premixed stuffings, to name just a few. and some news paper ads live already in the future! They skip thanksgiving and go right to X-mas. Garlands and Ornaments, artificial trees and outdoor lighting, St. Clauses and snowmen, reindeer and sugar canes. all these treasures are right at my door step. in the mailbox. waiting for me. only for me. in this long blue box.

'your hard disk is full. entourage will now quit so you can..'

what hard disk and why and why now?! i really don't have the patience to deal with old and weirdly acting computers. BUT I should, because these days a new purchase is out of the question.

alright then. i downloaded and copied or both or transferred or whatever the 'right' terminology might be. the fact is i got rid of a lot of MB and I'm still getting the same error message. so what does this tell me? could it be possible that an old machine is just an old machine is just an old machine that simply needs to be replaced? i wish prayers would work for now. I know this is wishful thinking.... wishful wishful wishful wishful...the machine has not yet deleted that word...

a week has passed and i cannot place it in time. it all seems a blur between work, cat fleas and the fight with bed bugs. pest control companies, research, work, visits, vet bills, and a wonderful dinner at a friend's place. this passed week did not present itself with a clear structure. very weird. not necessarily enjoyable. a weekend ahead of me and all i want to do is attend to my beloved activities. such as learning Spanish, going on an artist date, cooking a great meal, baking, writing to a friend, going for a long run, reading a good book.. weekends.. i vaguely remember them from an earlier time. i never thought i would ever be where i am.

my cat has fleas.

not one, not two, not many - but MILLIONS!

What a nightmare.

I schlepped her to the VET. she got a pill to kill off the monsters and 'mama cat' got a spray to kill all the fleas in the house - on rugs, beds, pillows, floors, shelves AFTER vacuum cleaning the house meticulously. But lets face it, it is IMPOSSIBLE to get rid of all the larvae, i mean HOW? they stick to everything - including shoes, clothes and hands. and how does one vacuum and wash all the linen and rugs, etc without touching other objects at the same time - for example, the door of the washing machine?

just the thought of this endless sisyphus work drives me crazy! At least my indoor/outdoor cat does not have fleas. do i need to say that i had to schlepp her to the VET too?. do I need to mention the VET bill? Anyway, I'm so relieved that only 'fat cat' got attacked by fleas. she is not so agile and cannot jump on any elevated surface, which makes me believe (wishful thinking?) that the flea pests have not spread too much. the thought of those flea larvae everywhere drives me crazy! and why in the world does an indoor cat get fleas it the first place?

well, what does not kill you makes you stronger..or so I have heard before!

I cannot believe that I slept 9 hours. I woke up only once. feeling thirsty, i reluctantly walked downstairs into the kitchen to pour myself some apple juice, mixed with water. I don't like either of the two fluids, but i downed the drink and went straight back to bed. I could have slept even longer. I probably would have if i did not have to leave the house. I remember a part of a very long dream from last night. I was living in a large loft like house. i mean large - 10-20.000 square feet. there was a constant flow of people, coming and going and one morning the kitchen counter was a complete mess, the toilets were clogged and the ugly brown contents spilled all over. it was disgusting and i screamed and yelled. i was so angry i could hardly control my voice. eventually - it got all cleaned up and cleaned out and during that process, i realized that i had rented out two rooms and the tenants had not pay their rent yet. this was, in a way, a great discovery, because it dawned on me that i could pay off my house by simply keeping these two room rented out. Part of the loft was a theater complex, and another part was a huge apartment bought by a couple from the city. all very confusing... - i need to get going...

This piece is part of an art exhibition. it is created with spools of various colored threads. only from a distance does the piece reveal the image of Mr. Spock. There is a little glass ball mounted on a black stick in front of the image. if one looks through it, the image rotates 180 degrees. Most likely a computer can generate the pattern for the spools, and most likely it's 'just' an optical illusions. in other words, one could be very critical of 'the quality' of this art, but it makes me smile and for a while all there was was the art piece and the viewer, in this case, me.

the shadows on the wall are scary. the wind gusts too.

the silence speaks so loudly and every little sound here and there makes me freak out, when I can't determine its source. last night, in the middle of the night, the calculator started to play a melody. beyond reasoning. i got up and couldn't believe what i heard. there was really a melody coming from this device. i hit a key and it stopped immediately. i went straight back to bed and started counting to avoid any and all thoughts. my heart was beating so fast. i fell asleep again. luckily. otherwise, this would have turned into a night without any sleep at all, with me wandering through the rooms trying to catch the shadows.

I have a cat and i have a hat.

I have a black dress and I have a large pot.

I have many recipes and i can have quite a few drinks.

I have a broom and I have a house and a spouse.

I have mice, too.

I have a sixth sense and I have a book full of spells.

I have a crystal ball, I have cards.

I have secrets and I have a voice.

Soon the moon will rise.. watch out!

Today at the airport i went to the visitor platform on the 3rd floor. through the large windows i had a great view of a southwest airplane, which was just about to finish boarding and to taxi to the runway. I was tired and therefore to me time seemed to have different levels of speed. i gazed through the windows and saw the suitcases being loaded onto the aircraft. finally the 'finger' pulled back and the aircraft rolled toward the runway, slowly, ever so slowly. i could see the plane turning at the far end of the runway. it stood there for a few minutes before the engines started firing and the plane started speeding, passed my spot. And before long it took off into the orange morning sky. my eyes followed the little blue grey dot until it disappeared into the clouds. it was gone, it vanished. and the gate, right in front of me, was empty. it seemed like there had never been a plane there.I know it was there just a short while ago, but the concrete floor showed no traces of any sort. i stared through the windows and felt very uneasy.

I need to make some phone calls. not 'some' phone calls, some very unpleasant phone calls, such as calling a lawyer or a potential employer and i dread these calls. they are on my 'to do list' and i just watch time going by without picking up that phone and without placing these calls. Would i feel better afterwards? i don't know. the thought of rejection or bad news seems to keep me from calling. maybe at times I hate reality, but I'm not so sure if I enjoy the construct in my mind either, because all of it is based on thoughts and fears and hopes. Why are touchdowns so difficult for me. Again, the motto still applies > a step at a time, a call at a time<

red. red. red. everywhere. orange too. almost no yellows left. some black. some blue. a lot of grey though. in all shades. greens are getting duller and darker. white is there. today at least. some white, fairly bright. no violets. no pinks. no turquoise. i have not discovered silver yet. red red red is all i see. for once and for now!

i dreamt that the gods sporadically send a 'night of golden sleep' to us humans. and i happened to be the chosen one for last night's sleep. I vaguely recall that in my dream someone gave a speech about the quality of this 'golden sleep', which was provided by the gods as a gift to us earthlings. My body felt extremely relaxed and comfortable and it was a real joy to sleep, while at the same time noticing the tremendous quality of the deep relaxation and rejuvenation of my body. it felt like a dream and yet it was so very real at the same time. and when i woke this morning i remembered the 'golden sleep' and couldn't believe how peaceful it felt.

However, it didn't take too long before the daily thoughts and worries re-entered my mind - but after i opened my eyes this deep peaceful feeling stayed with me and counter balanced my anxiety.

what a strange experience. what a dream.

Sunday. I slept in - surprisingly enough. And so did the day.

just in the last few minutes the sky was courtiers enough to lift the grey curtain and a ray of sunlight finally sparkled upon the autumn leaves. We have guest this weekend and they just got up themselves. it's a long and lazy morning and i need to tell myself that lazy mornings are alright- and that is quite a challenge! Everyone in the house seems to move at a slower pace and breakfast could easily be called lunch. Nobody seems to be eager to get 'ready' for any kind of activity and my suggestion to go for a walk is greatly appreciated and killed by the same token. it's almost noon and i better stop asking myself what I had done, do and will do- maybe.

'they' say that time is relative, that every moment is just in the moment and that no moment will ever come back. each 'now' is quickly gone; within a blink of an eye they will only be 'history'. But where does this history take place? there aren't any signs of it. maybe from a larger perspective one could consider monuments, houses, mountains or the sun 'history to look at'. yet even these 'objects' change. maybe ever so slightly and not obviously or visibly for our sense perception, but nevertheless they are not static and at some point in time they too will be 'only history'. History is then a place in our brain, a complex package made of images and sensual impressions. And even they fade away and maybe even more so, these 'stored' packages change as we change. So memory is not constant either. nothing is. and yet i look at the evening hours "ahead of me" and the passed hours of the day and it feels like they are real and right there. where? in my mind, and because i can remember a number of moments are those moments then not 'real' at the very moment i remember them? right now? and if i only replay my memory time and again, will this then for some time prolong the life of them in the now? .. the clock is ticking.. where does the sound go?

29 Fahrenheit. that is just ridiculous. frost on the car, frost on the outside of the house and on the porch and we haven't even reached the middle of October yet. I'm not sure which emotion in me might be stronger - anger or frustration. I know for a fact that I'm not ready to face the cold season yet. Absolutely not.. and as life would have it, i caught a cold and feel a bit weak and dizzy. My run today was more of a crawl and even after several miles my legs did not really get warm and my muscles still seemed to be cold. the hot shower did not warm me up either, only the overheated bathroom and the blow drying my hair helped a bit. the night sky is crystal clear and stars are sparkling, but who in the hell wants to enjoy the beauty of them while the air is almost freezing. no. no no. it's too cold too early this is a fact

I cdnuolt blveiee taht i cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the human mnid Aoccdrning to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny imrmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. the rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzaning, rgiht?

The first real frost hit us last night and the grass is covered with a silver-white blanket of sparkling crystals. it is a quiet morning. i don't think i have heard any car yet or maybe the unfamiliar sound of the heating system is filling my ears and blocking any sound from the outside world. the sun is peeking through the clouds and i might celebrate Columbus Day with a long run. Most likely it would be the first run of the 'cold season', with gloves, hat and an extra warm running outfit. the leaves seem to be set on fire, displaying vibrant yellows and reds. autumn has just one flaw, and that is the fact that it is followed by winter.

The Nobel Prize for Peace.

Congratulations!

it is cold in the morning - very chilly. hopefully the sun will heat the air within the next few hours.

blue flowers everywhere and so is the vast profusion of orange. every doorstep displays all kinds of pumpkins, the windows are decorated with black cut-outs in the shape of ravens, witches, brooms, spiders, ghosts and the like. we haven't even celebrated Columbus Day yet, that is if there is actually something to celebrate - but this is beside the point - . every store window has been transformed into a world of grave stones, ghosts and cotton strings, trying to look like spider webs. even mummies and skeletons are on display. maybe it all is supposed to tell me, that it is about the time to start baking witch-cookies, glazed in orange, with dark brown chocolate eyes and sacrifice them to the goddess of the blue flowers.

I feel very sentimental about these two images. especially the picture of the little angel holding jesus christ as a baby. it is not the religious component that touches my heart, but the fact that this framed image was part of my childhood. if my memory is not fooling me, this picture hung next to my bed but that might not have been the case. All I recall is that it was there, all along. I think it is quite astounding that when i look at it now I feel protected. I do believe in guardian angels, and maybe it all started with this angel, protecting the little baby.

the other image, painted on wood, shows a "Minnesinger" on a white horse. the picture was hanging in the small hallway of my parents home. I always liked the colors, but never quite understood why the man in the lower right corner was either handing the mandolin to the singer or taking it away. Actually I'm not even sure if i cared too much about it. the white horse against the turquoise background had it's own fascination. the horse and it's rider seem to have sprung into my childhood fantasy from another world. a world full of miracles and dreams.

a face staring at me. a face, frozen to a mask. it's my face that is staring back at me. red lips, white skin. it is one of many faces that appear during the dark hours. those faces seem to be messengers from another realm. i cannot decipher their messages, and they scare me. these masks are performing a ritual dance and i don't know how to unleash their power. I'm scared. it feels like a spell has been put on me and these large black eyes lock me in and i cannot walk away from them. I wonder how it all started.

I like this sign. 'Road Closed'. it is so simple. I wish life would allow us to set up these simple signs as needed. 'Road Closed'. detour mandatory until new road is found. Parts of this particular road here were washed away during a torrential downpour and it looks like the county does not have the money, or is not willing, to repair it. I love running along this road, because it is still in very good condition for foot traffic . Whenever I pass this sign however i can't help but imagining where i would set up 'closed' signs along my path. Maybe i like this idea because i spent quite some time trying to find out: a) why a road broke down and b) how to repair it.

Abandoning a road can be a liberation or a revelation. i think we all deal with a lot of stop signs on our way through life, that make us wait for the right of way. Compared to those stop signs, a 'Road Closed' sign seems almost energizing as it does not fool you into 'waiting' for the next green light, as traffic lights do. this sign expresses the simplest of all messages: go and find a new way or a new road. And actually, what could be more exciting than having the chance to explore the landscape of life from a different path.

isn't this flower amazing? one single large beautiful bright yellow sun. At the beginning of October it is still blooming. My camera does not do any justice to the magnificent color. it's a neon yellow. it's a yellow that is so bright that it inevitably makes you smile. I feel like i have brought the sun into the house. i can't stop looking at it. it lifts the spirit and calms the mind and soul to a bright and hopeful place. I just love it.

The wind is blowing, it is grey and cold and i did turn on the heat this afternoon - for the first time this year.

I guess there is always a first for everything every year again and again. some say that there is a certain comfort in routine and repetition and that might be true. sometimes. Turning on the heat is both comforting and annoying. Comforting because i don't feel like i need to wear gloves in the house, annoying because it is just yet another marker for the cold season to come. Last year we had temperatures in the single digits for months. No, i should not try to predict the future, i know. I should not even attempt to try to predict anything. and of all things, not the weather. even the paid professionals on the various TV channels don't know what they are talking about. at least not in my mind. yes and yes again. weather is a lovely topic, after all. again and again.

I like the early morning hours, the awakening of a new day.

It is still so quiet when the sun rises into the beginning of a day.

there is this soft almost tender morning light, no traffic yet, almost empty streets. But the days get shorter and the noise sneaks up in the dark.

the sunlight makes its appearance with such a delay, i might say, that my inner clock is disturbed when i see the real time on my watch.

the innocence of a day is deprived of the light and in a few months time the mornings will be celebrated only in the dark.

I wish i could stop the turning of time.

the sight of the red mushroom reminded me of all kinds of fairy tales.

fairy tales taking place in the dark forest or in a long forgotten kingdom, in a world full of elves and witches, of princesses and dragons. i wonder what the mushroom really symbolizes? does it stand for a deadly poison or for a healing power? is it the one thing the hero has to find or to avoid? Hm. at the end it doesn't really matter. the red mushroom along the forest path was for a moment my gateway to another world, a world of miracles and happy endings...

just 25 words a day, one lesson per week and 5 months from now i might be able to understand the basics of the Spanish language.

25 words a day comes down to one word per hour. Now, if I take under consideration that i sleep an average of 8 hours a day i have 16 hours left for 25 words, which equals approximately 1.5 words per hour and a total of 175 new words per week. in the following week i have to re-learn at least one word from each hour from last week plus 1.5 new words, so we are at 2.5 words per hour per day. within a month I'm at 4.5 words per hour per day. imagine 8 hours of work and 2 hours of eat/drink that cuts out 10 hours or 15 words per day for the first week which then have to be shifted to the 1.5 words for the 6 hour period left. so that is roughly 4 words an hour per day for the first week only. well. then i have to add the expressions, grammar lessons and verb forms per week multiplied by 4 and then by 5. and then the first Spanish book should be imprinted in my memory. tengo suerte.

the first day of autumn. some trees are already dropping their leaves, others are changing their colors into fabulous shades of yellows and reds. last night I arrived on the other side of the coin called 'home'. a long flight. a short night. A cup of coffee in the morning. outside. again. the routine is waiting to be picked up. i hear the sound of the train in the distance and I see flocks of birds migrating. the first day of autumn. the glorious red of the morning has faded and dark grey clouds now fill the sky. I hope it will not rain for I want to go for a long walk. A walk back into home before i open all the little beautiful packages, which are lined up on the table. happy fall.

this morning the sky was covered with condensation trail. A criss-cross pattern enhancing the endless blue. soon i will be part of these patterns again and the world will look different again, all together. all these endless parallel worlds at any given time, just stepping in and out of various realities, if we choose too, if we are even aware of it.

i once read a book and if i recall correctly it was called.

*first blue then white then red*. the story was about a woman who 'disappeared', she left the house, went to the nearest bus stop, got on the next but and just left. the story was told by her husband, her son and lastly by herself.. in the end, after many years she returned home because the layers of reality had all melted into one and time and place mattered in a very different way. come to think of it, this book is powerful enough to be turned into a fabulous movie.

i have too many buttons and it seems like the whole world knows when and how to press them. maybe i have a user-friendly description printed on the back of my t-shirt and i don't know it?

the upper right one stands for crying, the lower left one for anger, the center one for feeling lost and the white one for uncontrolled laughter. to complicate the matter, sometimes various buttons act out at the same time and life feels really messy. in a weird way i feel like i am observing myself while acting at the same time, almost uncontrolled.. . and i'm sure that somewhere, somehow there is a gigantic switch board operator having a hell of a good time....

the days are running away from me.

i read the news but it seems pointless. i browse the internet, but my mind is absent. i have vivid dreams but they fade away in the early morning hours. the days are long, yet they blend into each other and lose their distinctiveness once i close my eyes at night.

yet i still clearly remember the planting of heather but i cannot recall the various conversations during the course of the day.

the days are running away and i don't have a ship that is parked in a safe harbor.....

traveling through time.

traveling through my world of images and thoughts.

which is more powerful ? the spoken word or the image, captured and stored? how do i define my world. i can close my eyes - and sometimes i don't even have to - and different realities are layered above the actual seen reality. but i can only hear one sound at a time. i can only smell one smell at a time and I can only touch one object at a time. so why does my internal image bank trick me and carry me away into different worlds, while my eyes are looking at a real object. or are they not looking at that very moment? is this all an illusion within itself? what do i really see or what do i believe i see? sometimes when i look at a photograph, i'm surprised by what i discover, there are elements which i haven't seen before.reality is almost never portrayed. at least not the way i remember it. but even my mood or the time of the day modifies the memory. i guess 'seeing' is an art, that takes time a lot of time ...

at my girlfriend's house i discovered a wonderful magazine about design, which i just love. i can never see enough beautiful new modern architecture or new ways to landscape and garden not to mention all the wonderful functional, yet beautiful furniture. a well designed room is not only a joy to look at but it is more so a joy to be in. the harmony of various styles can be energizing or relaxing, depending on the ton, form and color. i would love to work on mood boxes, filled with sample materials of color, fabrics and textures. it's like a puzzle. at the beginning one seems to be lost in the thousands of pieces, but at the end it all comes together and forms a perfect room, house or garden. i just love it. it's quite interesting that certain topics and subjects linger and never lose their attraction and fascination for me. every time my eye catches a beautifully designed object my spirits are lifted. unfortunately the world is mostly filled with ugly stuff....