Christmas is already history and the eery days between the years have arrived. These days have always both touched me and troubled me. it's the time of the year when I look back and revisit past events. it's the time of the year when i wonder what the future holds. its the time of the year to make plans and to express wishes and hopes for a new year, which will be on my doorstep in the blink of an eye. I try to put myself and my life into some sort of perspective but no framework seems to fit. i truly wonder whether i will come up with a list of new year resolutions within the next couple of days.
the biggest Christmas gift of all would be if my cat came home. She has been gone now since Tuesday morning! She has never been away for more than three days and I'm terribly worried. it's cold outside, it's winter, it's icy, and i have no idea where she might be.. .
i put the 'igloo' out for her, so she would have a warm 'house' waiting for her, if she happened to return during the night. I put food out, in case she is hungry. But no sign of Mieze. none. Christmas is tainted with worries and i pray for a Christmas miracle!!
it's Christmas again. Like we wouldn't know 364 days ahead of time. But time and again it feels surprising. wow. there it is - Christmas.
it started snowing yesterday and I felt like being inside of a snow globe. A White Christmas. and i remember my mother telling me that angels fly from house to house, and once in a while, I would find a golden hair - an angel hair. This little 'Lametta/tinsel' piece was so precious to me, as it symbolized another world, a world free of worries and filled with Happiness and Laughter.. Merry Christmas.
My mind is racing and my thoughts are repetitive. it's the same set of boring, critical dialogues and voices. I'm so tired of them. it's the most absurd concert in my head. luckily, nobody can hear it. these word clusters lead to nowhere and are mental garbage. But i can't escape from myself. I create them and consequently, i have to listen to them and it feels like an avalanche coming down. it drives me crazy. or should i rather say I drive myself crazy? what difference does it make....
Sunday. the snow storm did not arrive last night, or at least not here. Consequently, the ground is grey instead of white; the sky is overcast instead of clear and the temperatures are still so very low.
Sunday and Christmas music is playing. the lights on the Christmas tree make the ornaments sparkle. My morning coffee is getting cold and I'm in the mood for baking cookies, but i need to go to the supermarket first. I'm out of butter and eggs. The smell of cookies in the house is so delightful, so maybe i should get myself going? I have all these wonderful cellophane bags with golden stars printed on them. perfect gift bags for the almond cookies...mmmmmmmmm
4F feels like -6F. it is absolutely quiet. The only sound i can detect comes from my laptop. a very low and even tone, maybe it is the hard drive. The cold has swallowed all sounds. No wind today.
Only silence. loud silence. I'm trying to sit still, to listen to the silence, but my mind produces so much noise. it's disturbing. If i turn on the radio or put on some music, I'm sure it will feel more quiet. even the cat is sitting quietly. In three days winter will start, officially.
the wind is relentless and the temperatures lingered in the single digit realm this morning.
i rearranged my 'study'. it is the smallest room in the house, maybe 10 feet by 16 feet. the desk was originally placed in front of the window, but I never really felt quite comfortable sitting there. the view out of the window was great, but having my back against the door wasn't good at all. it never felt right, however it looked good.
Now the desk is in the center of the room, and my back faces the wall. this little change changes the entire feeling of the 'study'. i love it. it's as cozy as it should be, and as i have some cut branches from our christmas tree, i will put them in a large vase in front of the window. it's Christmas time, oh yeah, it is Christmas time.
wrapped in time. this is how the last few days have felt. every other hour presented a new 'event', yet it was scheduled ahead of time. the hours within the framework were enjoyable as long as i let my mind dive into them, with no second guessing.
Only at night, in bed, the wrapped time comes back to life with full force. and while i try to 'think' about it, i fall asleep. wrapped in dreams.
a long work day. a late dinner. a fight. christmas cards. jazz music. snowfall is expected during the night. the moon is hiding behind clouds. and so is my soul. the 8th day of the last month of the year.
a short last night. tired. the candles are still burning. the temperature setting for the heat has switched to 'night'. my fingers are getting cold. i would like to stay up. for once. but i might have to work tomorrow. so reasoning is overriding my mood. maybe I should pull out my christmas CD's from the back of the shelf? the cat is coming downstairs, again. i put her on my lap and she purrs. what a relaxing sound. oh, and off she goes. again. 23 days and a new year will start. 23 is my lucky number!
overnight the landscape has been transformed into a beautiful winter wonderland. the marvelous blue sky and the thick patches of white snow are such soul food. A perfect Sunday for a long walk, for the first fire in the fireplace later in the day. for a hot chocolate, a snowman and candle light. Luckily, i put up the Christmas decorations last Sunday, so the green garlands and red ribbons look wonderful against the white snow.. it's a gorgeous day!
Tomorrow is the wedding of one of my very best girlfriends. it's her first wedding. the wedding cakes are baked, the present is wrapped and i still have no idea what to wear. the motto is: 'dress like a star' ! bravo. i don't think my wardrobe has even one piece that comes even close to star quality and i don't have the time - or frankly the money - to go 'outfit shopping'.. a star. i tell myself that she is the star of the day and that my pair of Jeans just won't work and my dresses are all of the classical variety. hm. or at least not 'star and stripes'- like and i might not even fit into the dresses i have, aaaah..... what a 'problem' to have.... tomorrow morning this problem has a potential to turn into a wonderful negative dialogue covering topics, like 'too big, too boring too poor, too..'.. and i have no idea how to avoid it...
yet another day glued to the computer screen. 9 hours later and it's dark again. it is amazing how these little machines have turned into such powerful communication and work tools, that life without them seems more unthinkable than, say without a telephone, or without hot water or even without cars. everything gets channeled through these wireless waves and i wonder how many words and images are floating through the universe now at any given moment! what took the place of these 'information waves'? what void is filled with them or what is pushed aside? where do these waves reside? These are most likely the questions of a typical 'non-science' person. but really, think of it - the voices, the images, the words. with the right 'toy' you can tune into an endless non-visible world. are these information waves quiet or do they produce some sort of sound while they travel at such a high speed from computer to satellite and back? do they produce heat? .. nine hours dedicated to this world within a world.. i better go meditate now!