the daily dose of happiness

2010-05-14T08:01:00.000-04:00

would the color of the clouds change if the light was turned on?

2010-05-12T04:53:00.002-04:00

blossoms are soul food. the abundance of their beauty is a joy. it seems like they are blooming only to celebrate life and the magic power of renewal. I walk through the park in the morning, it's cold and rainy, the umbrella shields from the rain, yet the flowers show off their beauty like no cloud in the sky could ever stop them.

and i can't help it to think how life would be if my mental clouds would not stop me from celebrating the beauty of life.

would i smile. again.?

2010-05-11T07:25:00.002-04:00

cold days, windy. the city feels grey, despite the new green leaves, exploding on each tree branch. i'm cold. i'm freezing cold. time seems to be a different beast and with a blink of an eye a day has dissolved. the repetitiveness of the supports the notion of timelessness ..

2010-05-06T07:57:00.002-04:00

life feels like a roller coaster. it does. i have the feeling that these days everyone is trying to pull me into a different direction. While I'm the 'good' girl, trying to make it just right. An approach, that will fail. What is a guideline for right behavior if fear is my guidance. i'm aiming for being understood, while i'm accused for not being understanding. life is a roller coaster and sometimes there aren't any simple answers.

2010-04-28T07:48:00.002-04:00

the gardens are beautiful. the blossoms and fresh new leaves are eye catching. the morning walk is soul food. hardly anyone can be seen in the park. at best some runners are crossing my way.

i am walking against time. every morning. and at night i am scarred. by lonely roads and the dark shadows. on weekends i go running myself, yet i'd rather avoid the park on weekends, it's crowed and the beautiful emptiness is disturbed. i wonder if i would enjoy lunch there.

2010-04-27T15:47:00.003-04:00

three and half months late, Mieze returned.

small, vulnerable, very skinny.

my heard is filled with joy and love.

i love this little small cat, this old lady, this road warrior.

i wish she could talk and tell me what had happened in the last months while she was gone.

her return is a true miracle and it feels like she is telling me another life lesson, as she did the last two and half years..

2010-04-16T07:41:00.002-04:00

Spring has arrived.

and dust particles from a volcanic eruption are dancing in heigh altitudes. the sky is blue and yet the black dust from the ongoing eruption is out there. high high in the sky. what we see is not reality, it is just an impression, a glance, an idea, an option. Here in the public gardens, the cherry blossoms have reached their peak, their might be fire works tonight, leaving traces of smoke in the air.

2010-04-11T08:21:00.002-04:00

'my soul' or should i say 'my sprit' is still traveling, while my body arrived on the other side of the great ocean. but apparently my body also has some difficulties to adjust to the new environment and 'blesses' me with a severe cold and bad cough. Last night i slept for a total of 12 hours and if i do the math i still need 8 more hours to catch up with the sleep deprivation, which accumulated over the last four days.

When i look out the window now, i see buildings and a grey sky, but even without closing my eyes i can also see the beautiful country road. What is the average speed with which a soul travels?

2010-04-06T11:57:00.003-04:00

spring has arrived and so did the rain this morning.

the skies are grey and the temperatures are lingering in the lower 50's again. i hoped to be able to go for a long run before my travel but it looks like the weather will not cooperate. i hoped to work on my flower beds, too. Actually, the rainy weather frees more time, which i can certainly use to start packing or at least to get prepared. making stacks of clothes, printing out my 'what-to-pack-itinerary', ironing shirts, polishing shoes, selecting books and papers, going through my final to-do-list.. yet.. i drink outside, letting the mind wander would be more to my liking...

2010-04-04T08:52:00.003-04:00

EASTER SUNDAY!

the house woke up early today. so did the birds.

a long run. 4 miles.

it had the perfect temperature for a run in the early morning hours.

Sometimes a run can be so soothing.

the thought of the finish line disappears and one just runs for the sake of running.

the day is still ahead.. a huge Easter brunch is waiting... the red face is slowly cooling off.

bright sunshine.

time will eat up this day quickly.. but for now it's Easter Sunday Morning.. still

2010-03-30T08:04:00.002-04:00

imagine the following colors. grays, greens, browns, beige, black and white.

no image the scene or the object. a duck? a dress? a living room? a city street?

an abstract painting might be the best bet here. But i'm talking about the view out of my window on a rainy spring day. and to my own surprise I can not see one spot or sparkle of yellow or red or blue. amazing. I had always believed that if one looks carefully enough every color could be seen, but maybe this is just wishful thinking or yet another illusion. Maybe the camera, who is currently living in another dimension, would have been able to spot a hint of yellow. maybe.

2010-03-27T07:53:00.002-04:00

I cannot find my camera. i looked in every drawer, ever handbag and under every couche. I checked my coats and the car. I went through every room in the house. nothing. it's very upsetting. without camera, no images. without images no blog entry. This thing must be somewhere around here in another parallel universe. it' s probably sitting right next to me and is just not willing to be seen yet - or my system is filtering it out. who knows how reality is checked by our own brains? maybe we tune in and out of various dimensions, without being aware of it or even having an understanding of it? very well possible. i can 'see' the camera right next to my laptop if i could only touch it too. I need to find it. the absence of this object drives me crazy.

2010-03-26T07:57:00.002-04:00

the first signs of spring can be found everywhere. the grass is beginning to turn green, the bushes have their first buds and some flowers are actually trying to make their way above ground. just an hour south of here daffodils and snowdrops are already blooming. the grey clouds and the cold winds are a reality too. snow flurries are predicted for later in the day. - a tree can never walk away. -

2010-03-21T12:12:00.003-04:00

what was the cat thinking? what does the expression on her face reveal? would she turn around and walk downstairs again if the right word, smell or sound came along? or is her mind set, regardless of all of the above? are we like cats? Could anything be a tricker and consequently we would abandon our original plan?

Sometimes i wonder what is on my mind and what it takes to stay focused.

2010-03-13T08:34:00.002-05:00

....excuses are numberless. i need to put an end to them!

one of my new vows, which i should recite daily. I suppose.

the last entry on this blog as six days ago, and why so? because

i don't have an image to upload and the entire idea of the daily happiness is the combination of word and image.

My digital camera is working and it's a bit pathetic to say, that i don't find time to go out and photograph. how much time does it really take? But in my mind i don't even go there, i stop at the thought, which notes that i don't have an image to upload.

Consequently days go by and no entry will be written, instead I built successfully a guilt conscious.

.....the mind is boundless, i need to master it

2010-03-07T07:53:00.002-05:00

it's Sunday morning, the sun is shining and the weather forecast looks promising. I have already spotted the first sprouts in my flower beds and it puts a huge smile on my face. I cannot wait for spring to arrive. As a matter of fact i can wait very well, because there is no choice at all here. When were the tulips blooming last year? Easter is also 'around the corner' - 'the corner of time'? that is an interesting thought. time squared. blue skies.

2010-03-05T09:17:00.002-05:00

More often then not my mind picks a subject and then holds on to the chosen theme by repeating a few thoughts/sentences time and again. it is sheer impossible to stop my mind, even when I become aware of this 'auto-pilot' setting. The mind seems to have a life on its own, independent from 'myself'. These repetitive thoughts are most of the time negative. Either 'it' (='I') regrets something i did or didn't do in the past, or 'it' rolls out the 'dark' future. It seems like 'I' have no control over the subject matter nor the length of this mental noise. I can feel how 'this' wears me down, eats up my energy and leaves me feeling hopeless and empty. I try to argue against the statements but its a fruitless debate. 'my' mind is very convincing and makes 'itself' sound like the ultimate truth. - the most amazing part is, that 'my mind' seems to have an endless repertoire of topics. sometimes some topics will fall out of 'fashion' but they are instantly replaced by new ones. - I truly wonder what it takes to either stop this 'auto-pilot' behavior of my mind or - at least - to change the topics from negative to positive ones.

2010-03-04T07:32:00.004-05:00

'there is comfort in a routine'. is there? or is routine just a way to avoid thinking outside the box?

or is routine a way to master the daily tasks?

is discipline required for a routine?

if so would it be right to say 'there is comfort in discipline'?

discipline as a structure of time, something to hold on to, while the emotions are on a roller coaster ride.

is discipline in conjunction with repetitiveness?

so repetitiveness comforts the soul if it is a freely chosen repetitiveness? yet again, don't we need discipline to go through a routine, because in times we might not like "the doing" at all?

which elements of a routine can be changed?

if at all? and are routines boring - or not?

hm.

2010-02-27T22:27:00.002-05:00

snow, snow, snow. snow. and i don't have words left..

I'm so tired of it.. but also incredible thankful that we did not loose electricity ...

.....

2010-02-23T08:47:00.004-05:00

windows covered with colored card boards and fabric pieces. Why?

it almost looks like an art installation, but it is is the window front of an old abandoned factory building. it's possible to glance inside but there is nothing to be found. the hall is emptied out.

Whoever covered the glass pieces must have done this with a creative eye. At least that is my 'judgement' here.

there is always something to be seen. even if it is only the attempt of someone to protect the inside from being seen.

2010-02-20T08:18:00.002-05:00

the demons of the mind.

self-centered thought processes.

countless repetitions.

hours are spent thinking about past decisions, trying to analyze them. lost in memory. paralyzed by regrets.

i need to save myself from this destructive pattern.

i need to shield myself from the critical inner voices.

it's just Saturday. windy and cold.

2010-02-19T09:17:00.003-05:00

when i wake up in the middle of the night and i can't go back to sleep, i pick a book and start reading. most of the time this activity calms me down and within 10-15 minutes I fall asleep. Last night i read a chapter from 'Beginner's Mind' by Suzuki. he talked about the mind and that the arising thoughts are like waves on the surface of the water. there is no water without waves. no waves without water. the difference is how we perceive the waves. At night it all seems so perfectly logical or at least understandable. And last night specifically. it felt like i had discovered some fundamental truth about thoughts, which is, that every idea or thought can be broken down into various little pieces and the smallest of them can be found in the now. all other pieces are just images used to create a certain phantasy about the near or fare future.. - i felt so happy about this discovery, it felt like a major break through, a huge discovery. like my life would be altered from now on....

I woke up this morning having a vague recollection of last nights discovery but i cannot grasp the magnitude or beauty of these waves anymore. Now equanimity should come into play....

2010-02-15T07:27:00.002-05:00

At the Metropolitan Museum they have a current exhibition titled 'playing with pictures - the art of Victorian photo collage'. the work is mostly done by women, who painted or drew images, in which they included the cut outs of photographs. some drawings/collages are really wild, others more conventional. this particularly one reminds me of my childhood. My mom and I loved to draw dresses from this area. My mom was really good and I was always a bit jealous as her sketches seemed to me more colorful and detailed.

However, at some point we drew a simple living room, with a chair and windows, curtains and mirrors. then we arranged the 'cut out' ladies in her fancy dresses in this room. i wish i had some of these old collages now.

2010-02-08T09:36:00.004-05:00

I wonder how if felt to be a sailor on a ship like this. this one is an image of the 'Columbus', one of the first ships to reached the east coast of America. Sailing for weeks at end with no land in sight. Did they ever panic? were they afraid? how did they maintain faith?

and then the elements, the storms, the huge waves or no wind at all. what character traits must one have to travel on one of these discovery ships? I bet these traits could be perfectly applied to todays uncertain times.

2010-02-04T10:44:00.002-05:00

the sunrise this morning was spectacular, the high rises across the Hudson river were illuminated by the morning sun, and they looked like gigantic orange lamps. i would have enjoyed watching them had i only slept well during the night. Yesterday, at the shoe repair store, a perfect stranger gave me a business card for a repair store, which she calls "the shoe repair alternative" or "THE under the radar shop", - which is supposedly the best in town. She was so excited that she even gave me her email address so i could let her know, what i think of this 'jewel' of a shoe repair store. sometimes the city can be a blast. Perfect strangers crossing paths for a few minutes - sharing a story, an idea, a thought - and then taking off again. This little chit-chat was an energy boost for my spirits. and the crowded subway ride home seemed less annoying than usual.

2010-02-02T07:43:00.004-05:00

tomorrow is my blog's birthday.

wow. has it really been an entire year ?

i remember how very excited i was at the beginning, and how this changed over the course of the year.

i remember going out and shooting images specifically for the blog.

i remember writing my blog entries, while sitting outside under the tree, or next to the fire place, or in a hotel room or in an office.

One year of writing about whatever entered my mind at a particular moment. I'm thinking of making changes to these entries.. maybe only images, or more images, or more text...maybe a theme.. my mind is as foggy as the frosted glass window, for now!

2010-01-28T08:52:00.004-05:00

winter is returning. it's snowing and the brownish, grey fields are covered with a white glaze. the snow flakes are tiny.

when i woke up very early this morning, the moon was still shining, but grayish clouds now cover the sky.

later in the day i have to go to work and I'm not looking forward to the drive on these slippery roads.

two more months. only 60 more days and the first signs of spring will appear... every winter i start counting the days. at some point i just miss the full color palette of nature so much.. grey, white, blue, .. pretty.. but a splash of yellow, a hint of red, facets of green make such a difference... i wonder how it was in 'the old days', when winters also equaled a massive reduction of food varieties.... It is probably not even a century ago, when roots and dried and preserved fruits were on the daily menu...

winter has returned and with it, the temperatures are dropping again... 60 more days to go...

2010-01-27T22:05:00.003-05:00

there is so much to learn about Buddhism and it feels overwhelming at times. Practice is necessary, Monshin said, yet one can choose the type of practice that meets one's personality best. oh well. So i picked up meditation, or to be more accurate here, i 'try' to meditate, to let my thoughts dissolve in the sounds of bells. i try to observe them and let them go. i count my breaths, i visualize.. and i like it. meditation does have - to say the least - a calming effect on me when i',m meditating with others in the temple. but i don't get my butt on the cushion during the week. i have a little bell, i have incense and a candle, a cushion and a nice corner in the house... yet, day after day, i find millions of reasons why 'now is not the time' - it's too early, too late, I'm too hungry or too full, too tired, too busy, and so on. consequently, i don't meditate; consequently i don't practice; consequently, i don't follow the Buddhist path - at least not as a daily practise. luckily, there are so many more aspects to it..

2010-01-26T21:55:00.004-05:00

the sunshine today had a certain kind of energy to it. it felt brighter and more promising. the sun was a synonym for power and life, for hope and joy, for the magnitude of a moment.

i think of Mieze and tears still roll down my cheeks...

this little feral cat taught me so much about love ...

i think of all the shelter cats i saw last sunday and i want to take them home - all of them, all of them. they all should experience the joy of a loving home and what it means to be cared for! yet i can only take two. how can one possibly choose.

the sunlight today was powerful and i drank in every minute of it.

2010-01-25T15:00:00.004-05:00

It is raining. we have a 'rain storm' with temperatures in the upper 40's! The snow banks are melting and turning into huge water puddles now. the creek is getting wider and wilder by the minute.

power interruptions, dark rain clouds, damp wet air. in short: it's ugly out there! i had to turn on the lights in the house and i would have taken a hot bath if my bathtub had not been leaking. the last thing i needed was a huge downpour inside the house. !

if i could, i would go to bed and just sleep through this!

2010-01-21T08:32:00.005-05:00

I love this big face. this large head. i wish i had space for it at home.

the expression on this face radiates peace, calm and silence.

at least this is how i see it. how many faces do i see every day, how many expressions do i come across every day? and how many of them have a soothing and comforting impact? i don't remember where the following quote originates, but anyhow i really like it : " when you turn thirty, you start being responsible for the wrinkles on your face and your facial expressions.." ...if eyes are the entrance to the soul, then faces are the mirror of the life lived...

2010-01-19T11:19:00.003-05:00

i wish all closed doors would be as appealing as this one.

i wish i knew where this door was originally used and who entered and exited it - when and why. doors are perfect fairy tale subjects.

each hero always has an obstacle to overcome and a closed door is just one of many. Old doors were so beautifully crafted, full of ornaments and details. now we have glass doors which open automatically... or metal gates controlled by cameras and number combinations... behind closed doors dreams and nightmares take place. I'm sure that there is a large art piece somewhere out there where a huge door is put up in the middle of nowhere. this reminds me of the beautiful gate in the movie 'spring, summer, fall, winter and spring'. i guess i love doors..

2010-01-17T11:40:00.003-05:00

it's a grey Sunday. the Amaryllis is finally blooming, adding some color to the otherwise bland looking color pallet outside.

incense is burning. this morning i went online and read article after article about Haiti and the magnitude of this catastrophe makes me feel immensely helpless. I wish i had a skill set that could be used down there.. i would fly there in a heart beat. my little inner voice is whispering, 'well, why don't you help in your immediate neighborhood' true, i suppose, but then again, not true.

this red flower cheers me up. how can i pass it on?

2010-01-14T08:28:00.004-05:00

so, the concept of 'no thought' or 'no leaking thoughts' in the absolute world, can be called a 'no-leaking' mind or wooden spoon. whereas in the provisional world discursive thoughts are unavoidable. but the absolute state of mind hovers over the provisional approach like a shadow and ensures that the discursive thoughts of this world do not enter the absolute, causing the mind to leak.

So, the provisional world is not leaking into the absolute world. both minds function within the same moment, within the same mind, within the same body. this makes sense as they are ultimately the same anyway, right? this concept of Wunien seems to be so simple and clear, and yet it is impossible to grasp and even to be understood for even a second by a beginner's mind like mine. i want to think it through and yet i know this does not get me anywhere. very difficult to accept.

2010-01-12T20:11:00.005-05:00

dinner was heavy. too much pizza. too much wine too. after a long work day. my mind is already making lists for tomorrow - all the "must-do's and want-do's". and somehow i have to sneak my Spanish lesson in. less than a year ago i didn't know a single word of Spanish and now i should theoretically know about 16oo words and quite a lot of Grammar too. but despite this progress, I feel overwhelmed and i find myself in a very old and familiar thought pattern that starts with the phrase> you are never going to learn this, because.....< . quite astounding that i approach all of my activities with this negative attitude. yet, today at the book store, looking at various 'how to learn Spanish books' i thought to myself ... ' a word a day, a piece of grammar a day, there is no time limit and there is no official test either, just keep going and you'll get there'.. and i was surprised by these encouraging thoughts . maybe a year from now i will be able to write a few sentences in Spanish...

2010-01-10T20:51:00.004-05:00

it's so bitterly cold that the snowman won't melt. he is still guarding the house and i kind of like it. today, Sunday the 10th, i did nothing!. yes, nothing! - at least according to my standards.

i slept in until 9.00 am, which is really late for me. i played a game with the little one; made myself comfortable on the couch; read a book for hours; did a Pilates workout for my lower back and then went back to reading and making a few phone calls. at some point i had a cheese sandwich and finally I left the house in the late afternoon. i was invited for dinner at a friend's house. what a brilliant, lazy day. i cannot recall a day like this for months! maybe even years! maybe it was just time to recharge my battery, to rest and be lazy, to adjust to the bitter cold? whatever the reason for this slow day was does not matter, i loved it.. and may the guardian angels stay close!

2010-01-06T21:43:00.003-05:00

i heard today that we will encounter the coldest winter since the 1930's. wow. now, the typical me would complain and bitch but i have the words from Monshin in my mind, saying that this time of the year is a perfect time to concentrate on Buddhist practices, to reflect upon life and all its aspect, and to extend compassion, love and equanimity. what a great concept if you really think about it. cold weather as an opportunity rather than a pain. tonight i was invited to a women's gathering. all of us had been involved with a store here called 'great finds'. it was a very funny and loving get-together and i truly enjoyed how different we all are, which is a notion I very rarely have. Now I'm home, drinking a glass of wine. Actually it is a holiday today. the day the three kings visited Jesus Christ.. at least i think that is how the story goes.. Myrrh, Gold and frankincense...

2010-01-04T22:41:00.003-05:00

361 days left and snowmen everywhere. they put a smile on my face and they seem to hold the future in their little hands / like aliens hovering over the area. i love them. 361 days and counting.

when will my Mieze come back home? more then 200 flyers later..neighbors call, expressing their sympathy.. i need a snowman to look after her and guide her home through the snow and cold.

New Year

2010-01-01T17:34:00.004-05:00

Happy New Year. New Year. New counting. new beginning.

i finally slept in and i think i haven't slept that long in 10 years.

So, a new start. some resolutions in my head.

last night's meditation into the new year accompanied by 108 rings of the bell was magnificent, and the slow unfolding of the first day of the new year is too.

new ways. new thoughts. new patterns. old costumes.

the time is still ticking with the same steadiness. happy new year.

Miezeosi

2009-12-28T13:00:00.001-05:00

still no sign of my cat.. gone for a week now..

.. i still hope she will return...

2009-12-27T10:36:00.006-05:00

Christmas is already history and the eery days between the years have arrived. These days have always both touched me and troubled me. it's the time of the year when I look back and revisit past events. it's the time of the year when i wonder what the future holds. its the time of the year to make plans and to express wishes and hopes for a new year, which will be on my doorstep in the blink of an eye. I try to put myself and my life into some sort of perspective but no framework seems to fit. i truly wonder whether i will come up with a list of new year resolutions within the next couple of days.

2009-12-25T11:14:00.005-05:00

the biggest Christmas gift of all would be if my cat came home. She has been gone now since Tuesday morning! She has never been away for more than three days and I'm terribly worried. it's cold outside, it's winter, it's icy, and i have no idea where she might be.. .

i put the 'igloo' out for her, so she would have a warm 'house' waiting for her, if she happened to return during the night. I put food out, in case she is hungry. But no sign of Mieze. none. Christmas is tainted with worries and i pray for a Christmas miracle!!

Merry Christmas

2009-12-24T07:39:00.006-05:00

it's Christmas again. Like we wouldn't know 364 days ahead of time. But time and again it feels surprising. wow. there it is - Christmas.

it started snowing yesterday and I felt like being inside of a snow globe. A White Christmas. and i remember my mother telling me that angels fly from house to house, and once in a while, I would find a golden hair - an angel hair. This little 'Lametta/tinsel' piece was so precious to me, as it symbolized another world, a world free of worries and filled with Happiness and Laughter.. Merry Christmas.

2009-12-22T08:25:00.005-05:00

My mind is racing and my thoughts are repetitive. it's the same set of boring, critical dialogues and voices. I'm so tired of them. it's the most absurd concert in my head. luckily, nobody can hear it. these word clusters lead to nowhere and are mental garbage. But i can't escape from myself. I create them and consequently, i have to listen to them and it feels like an avalanche coming down. it drives me crazy. or should i rather say I drive myself crazy? what difference does it make....

2009-12-20T09:07:00.004-05:00

Sunday. the snow storm did not arrive last night, or at least not here. Consequently, the ground is grey instead of white; the sky is overcast instead of clear and the temperatures are still so very low.

Sunday and Christmas music is playing. the lights on the Christmas tree make the ornaments sparkle. My morning coffee is getting cold and I'm in the mood for baking cookies, but i need to go to the supermarket first. I'm out of butter and eggs. The smell of cookies in the house is so delightful, so maybe i should get myself going? I have all these wonderful cellophane bags with golden stars printed on them. perfect gift bags for the almond cookies...mmmmmmmmm

2009-12-18T08:18:00.004-05:00

4F feels like -6F. it is absolutely quiet. The only sound i can detect comes from my laptop. a very low and even tone, maybe it is the hard drive. The cold has swallowed all sounds. No wind today.

Only silence. loud silence. I'm trying to sit still, to listen to the silence, but my mind produces so much noise. it's disturbing. If i turn on the radio or put on some music, I'm sure it will feel more quiet. even the cat is sitting quietly. In three days winter will start, officially.

2009-12-17T09:16:00.005-05:00

it's cold outside. oh baby, it is cold outside.

the wind is relentless and the temperatures lingered in the single digit realm this morning.

i rearranged my 'study'. it is the smallest room in the house, maybe 10 feet by 16 feet. the desk was originally placed in front of the window, but I never really felt quite comfortable sitting there. the view out of the window was great, but having my back against the door wasn't good at all. it never felt right, however it looked good.

Now the desk is in the center of the room, and my back faces the wall. this little change changes the entire feeling of the 'study'. i love it. it's as cozy as it should be, and as i have some cut branches from our christmas tree, i will put them in a large vase in front of the window. it's Christmas time, oh yeah, it is Christmas time.

2009-12-14T20:58:00.003-05:00

wrapped in time. this is how the last few days have felt. every other hour presented a new 'event', yet it was scheduled ahead of time. the hours within the framework were enjoyable as long as i let my mind dive into them, with no second guessing.

Only at night, in bed, the wrapped time comes back to life with full force. and while i try to 'think' about it, i fall asleep. wrapped in dreams.

2009-12-10T21:32:00.005-05:00

a mirror reflects oneself, but which part? you are the one who looks at the reflection. what do you truly see? an idea of yourself? an objective image? i think reality cannot be more bent!

there is a famous fairy tale that starts with the words:

'mirror mirror on the wall, who is the prettiest of them all?'

this sentence probably cannot be worded any better.

the judge is the mirror, not the mirroring object itself.

just late night thoughts..

2009-12-08T22:32:00.006-05:00

a long work day. a late dinner. a fight. christmas cards. jazz music. snowfall is expected during the night. the moon is hiding behind clouds. and so is my soul. the 8th day of the last month of the year.

a short last night. tired. the candles are still burning. the temperature setting for the heat has switched to 'night'. my fingers are getting cold. i would like to stay up. for once. but i might have to work tomorrow. so reasoning is overriding my mood. maybe I should pull out my christmas CD's from the back of the shelf? the cat is coming downstairs, again. i put her on my lap and she purrs. what a relaxing sound. oh, and off she goes. again. 23 days and a new year will start. 23 is my lucky number!

2009-12-06T16:51:00.003-05:00

overnight the landscape has been transformed into a beautiful winter wonderland. the marvelous blue sky and the thick patches of white snow are such soul food. A perfect Sunday for a long walk, for the first fire in the fireplace later in the day. for a hot chocolate, a snowman and candle light. Luckily, i put up the Christmas decorations last Sunday, so the green garlands and red ribbons look wonderful against the white snow.. it's a gorgeous day!

2009-12-04T22:31:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow is the wedding of one of my very best girlfriends. it's her first wedding. the wedding cakes are baked, the present is wrapped and i still have no idea what to wear. the motto is: 'dress like a star' ! bravo. i don't think my wardrobe has even one piece that comes even close to star quality and i don't have the time - or frankly the money - to go 'outfit shopping'.. a star. i tell myself that she is the star of the day and that my pair of Jeans just won't work and my dresses are all of the classical variety. hm. or at least not 'star and stripes'- like and i might not even fit into the dresses i have, aaaah..... what a 'problem' to have.... tomorrow morning this problem has a potential to turn into a wonderful negative dialogue covering topics, like 'too big, too boring too poor, too..'.. and i have no idea how to avoid it...

2009-12-02T17:19:00.005-05:00

yet another day glued to the computer screen. 9 hours later and it's dark again. it is amazing how these little machines have turned into such powerful communication and work tools, that life without them seems more unthinkable than, say without a telephone, or without hot water or even without cars. everything gets channeled through these wireless waves and i wonder how many words and images are floating through the universe now at any given moment! what took the place of these 'information waves'? what void is filled with them or what is pushed aside? where do these waves reside? These are most likely the questions of a typical 'non-science' person. but really, think of it - the voices, the images, the words. with the right 'toy' you can tune into an endless non-visible world. are these information waves quiet or do they produce some sort of sound while they travel at such a high speed from computer to satellite and back? do they produce heat? .. nine hours dedicated to this world within a world.. i better go meditate now!

2009-11-30T14:42:00.004-05:00

the last day of November. A grey and rainy day, a typical November day. The house is decorated with wreaths and candles, ornaments and lights, and it looks cozy and inviting. I love this time of the year, prior to Christmas. The smell of baked cookies, candle lights and the sparkling ornaments.

2009-11-28T07:44:00.004-05:00

the storm is amazing. the gusts of wind come in waves. they rattle the house, they shake it. during the night it was almost spooky to hear these loud roaring noises without the sound of rain being included in them. i heard the night before that there would be 60 miles per hour winds, and considering the noise level these gusts produce, I absolutely believe it. the funny thing is that it is not an ongoing constant phenomena - like a rain storm or a snow storm - it's more like lightning and thunder. you can hear the wind coming from a distance, you can almost feel the 'wave' moving toward the house and passing it. and then it is silent again, for seconds, for a minute or two, until the next attack comes. Actually, when i start thinking about it, it is quite disturbing. where is this energy coming from? what makes the air move with such velocity? right now it's silent again.

2009-11-27T08:35:00.005-05:00

I had this really weird dream. i was sitting in an airplane, flying home to Germany and we had a stop over in Siberia. or at least i thought that the airport was in Siberia. it was dark and grey outside and the plane was on the ground for the longest time. i finally placed a call to a friend and said ' I'm home in about 8 hours so i will call you once i have arrived'. And then panic struck me. Why was I on the plane? how did i get there? when did i book the ticket, who was i planning to see? it all made no sense whatsoever.

the interior of the plane had suddenly changed and it looked more like an old fashioned tavern. I stood up and when I asked some people how long the layover might be, I learned that i was not on a plane and that i was not flying anywhere - which made me panic even more! Where was I ?

Suddenly, my girlfriend appeared. she looked tanned and tall and she had just come from a pool (!) then i found myself in water and I had to do some swimming exercises before finding myself back on the 'airplane', and not knowing where to go from here. I stared at my phone and didn't know who i should call. i felt lost, confused, sad, nervous - it was almost a nightmare .

2009-11-21T11:51:00.005-05:00

the mailbox is full. not the virtual mailbox. the blue mailbox. the real mailbox. the mailman's mailbox. the letterbox outside the house. it is full of advertising papers declaring all these special offers such as: 'buy now, save so much', 'buy now, pay later', 'buy two for one', 'buy three, get one free'. There are tons of Thanksgiving offers for turkeys, roasting pans and premixed stuffings, to name just a few. and some news paper ads live already in the future! They skip thanksgiving and go right to X-mas. Garlands and Ornaments, artificial trees and outdoor lighting, St. Clauses and snowmen, reindeer and sugar canes. all these treasures are right at my door step. in the mailbox. waiting for me. only for me. in this long blue box.

2009-11-17T20:16:00.003-05:00

'your hard disk is full. entourage will now quit so you can..'

what hard disk and why and why now?! i really don't have the patience to deal with old and weirdly acting computers. BUT I should, because these days a new purchase is out of the question.

alright then. i downloaded and copied or both or transferred or whatever the 'right' terminology might be. the fact is i got rid of a lot of MB and I'm still getting the same error message. so what does this tell me? could it be possible that an old machine is just an old machine is just an old machine that simply needs to be replaced? i wish prayers would work for now. I know this is wishful thinking.... wishful wishful wishful wishful...the machine has not yet deleted that word...

2009-11-13T21:32:00.004-05:00

a week has passed and i cannot place it in time. it all seems a blur between work, cat fleas and the fight with bed bugs. pest control companies, research, work, visits, vet bills, and a wonderful dinner at a friend's place. this passed week did not present itself with a clear structure. very weird. not necessarily enjoyable. a weekend ahead of me and all i want to do is attend to my beloved activities. such as learning Spanish, going on an artist date, cooking a great meal, baking, writing to a friend, going for a long run, reading a good book.. weekends.. i vaguely remember them from an earlier time. i never thought i would ever be where i am.

2009-11-10T17:37:00.003-05:00

my cat has fleas.

not one, not two, not many - but MILLIONS!

What a nightmare.

I schlepped her to the VET. she got a pill to kill off the monsters and 'mama cat' got a spray to kill all the fleas in the house - on rugs, beds, pillows, floors, shelves AFTER vacuum cleaning the house meticulously. But lets face it, it is IMPOSSIBLE to get rid of all the larvae, i mean HOW? they stick to everything - including shoes, clothes and hands. and how does one vacuum and wash all the linen and rugs, etc without touching other objects at the same time - for example, the door of the washing machine?

just the thought of this endless sisyphus work drives me crazy! At least my indoor/outdoor cat does not have fleas. do i need to say that i had to schlepp her to the VET too?. do I need to mention the VET bill? Anyway, I'm so relieved that only 'fat cat' got attacked by fleas. she is not so agile and cannot jump on any elevated surface, which makes me believe (wishful thinking?) that the flea pests have not spread too much. the thought of those flea larvae everywhere drives me crazy! and why in the world does an indoor cat get fleas it the first place?

well, what does not kill you makes you stronger..or so I have heard before!

2009-11-07T07:35:00.005-05:00

I cannot believe that I slept 9 hours. I woke up only once. feeling thirsty, i reluctantly walked downstairs into the kitchen to pour myself some apple juice, mixed with water. I don't like either of the two fluids, but i downed the drink and went straight back to bed. I could have slept even longer. I probably would have if i did not have to leave the house. I remember a part of a very long dream from last night. I was living in a large loft like house. i mean large - 10-20.000 square feet. there was a constant flow of people, coming and going and one morning the kitchen counter was a complete mess, the toilets were clogged and the ugly brown contents spilled all over. it was disgusting and i screamed and yelled. i was so angry i could hardly control my voice. eventually - it got all cleaned up and cleaned out and during that process, i realized that i had rented out two rooms and the tenants had not pay their rent yet. this was, in a way, a great discovery, because it dawned on me that i could pay off my house by simply keeping these two room rented out. Part of the loft was a theater complex, and another part was a huge apartment bought by a couple from the city. all very confusing... - i need to get going...

2009-11-02T07:28:00.003-05:00

This piece is part of an art exhibition. it is created with spools of various colored threads. only from a distance does the piece reveal the image of Mr. Spock. There is a little glass ball mounted on a black stick in front of the image. if one looks through it, the image rotates 180 degrees. Most likely a computer can generate the pattern for the spools, and most likely it's 'just' an optical illusions. in other words, one could be very critical of 'the quality' of this art, but it makes me smile and for a while all there was was the art piece and the viewer, in this case, me.

2009-10-31T08:40:00.004-04:00

the shadows on the wall are scary. the wind gusts too.

the silence speaks so loudly and every little sound here and there makes me freak out, when I can't determine its source. last night, in the middle of the night, the calculator started to play a melody. beyond reasoning. i got up and couldn't believe what i heard. there was really a melody coming from this device. i hit a key and it stopped immediately. i went straight back to bed and started counting to avoid any and all thoughts. my heart was beating so fast. i fell asleep again. luckily. otherwise, this would have turned into a night without any sleep at all, with me wandering through the rooms trying to catch the shadows.

2009-10-30T10:12:00.005-04:00

I have a cat and i have a hat.

I have a black dress and I have a large pot.

I have many recipes and i can have quite a few drinks.

I have a broom and I have a house and a spouse.

I have mice, too.

I have a sixth sense and I have a book full of spells.

I have a crystal ball, I have cards.

I have secrets and I have a voice.

Soon the moon will rise.. watch out!

2009-10-29T12:26:00.006-04:00

Today at the airport i went to the visitor platform on the 3rd floor. through the large windows i had a great view of a southwest airplane, which was just about to finish boarding and to taxi to the runway. I was tired and therefore to me time seemed to have different levels of speed. i gazed through the windows and saw the suitcases being loaded onto the aircraft. finally the 'finger' pulled back and the aircraft rolled toward the runway, slowly, ever so slowly. i could see the plane turning at the far end of the runway. it stood there for a few minutes before the engines started firing and the plane started speeding, passed my spot. And before long it took off into the orange morning sky. my eyes followed the little blue grey dot until it disappeared into the clouds. it was gone, it vanished. and the gate, right in front of me, was empty. it seemed like there had never been a plane there.I know it was there just a short while ago, but the concrete floor showed no traces of any sort. i stared through the windows and felt very uneasy.

2009-10-27T13:00:00.004-04:00

I need to make some phone calls. not 'some' phone calls, some very unpleasant phone calls, such as calling a lawyer or a potential employer and i dread these calls. they are on my 'to do list' and i just watch time going by without picking up that phone and without placing these calls. Would i feel better afterwards? i don't know. the thought of rejection or bad news seems to keep me from calling. maybe at times I hate reality, but I'm not so sure if I enjoy the construct in my mind either, because all of it is based on thoughts and fears and hopes. Why are touchdowns so difficult for me. Again, the motto still applies > a step at a time, a call at a time<

2009-10-23T13:09:00.004-04:00

red. red. red. everywhere. orange too. almost no yellows left. some black. some blue. a lot of grey though. in all shades. greens are getting duller and darker. white is there. today at least. some white, fairly bright. no violets. no pinks. no turquoise. i have not discovered silver yet. red red red is all i see. for once and for now!

2009-10-20T08:24:00.006-04:00

i dreamt that the gods sporadically send a 'night of golden sleep' to us humans. and i happened to be the chosen one for last night's sleep. I vaguely recall that in my dream someone gave a speech about the quality of this 'golden sleep', which was provided by the gods as a gift to us earthlings. My body felt extremely relaxed and comfortable and it was a real joy to sleep, while at the same time noticing the tremendous quality of the deep relaxation and rejuvenation of my body. it felt like a dream and yet it was so very real at the same time. and when i woke this morning i remembered the 'golden sleep' and couldn't believe how peaceful it felt.

However, it didn't take too long before the daily thoughts and worries re-entered my mind - but after i opened my eyes this deep peaceful feeling stayed with me and counter balanced my anxiety.

what a strange experience. what a dream.

2009-10-18T09:45:00.006-04:00

Sunday. I slept in - surprisingly enough. And so did the day.

just in the last few minutes the sky was courtiers enough to lift the grey curtain and a ray of sunlight finally sparkled upon the autumn leaves. We have guest this weekend and they just got up themselves. it's a long and lazy morning and i need to tell myself that lazy mornings are alright- and that is quite a challenge! Everyone in the house seems to move at a slower pace and breakfast could easily be called lunch. Nobody seems to be eager to get 'ready' for any kind of activity and my suggestion to go for a walk is greatly appreciated and killed by the same token. it's almost noon and i better stop asking myself what I had done, do and will do- maybe.

2009-10-16T17:50:00.004-04:00

'they' say that time is relative, that every moment is just in the moment and that no moment will ever come back. each 'now' is quickly gone; within a blink of an eye they will only be 'history'. But where does this history take place? there aren't any signs of it. maybe from a larger perspective one could consider monuments, houses, mountains or the sun 'history to look at'. yet even these 'objects' change. maybe ever so slightly and not obviously or visibly for our sense perception, but nevertheless they are not static and at some point in time they too will be 'only history'. History is then a place in our brain, a complex package made of images and sensual impressions. And even they fade away and maybe even more so, these 'stored' packages change as we change. So memory is not constant either. nothing is. and yet i look at the evening hours "ahead of me" and the passed hours of the day and it feels like they are real and right there. where? in my mind, and because i can remember a number of moments are those moments then not 'real' at the very moment i remember them? right now? and if i only replay my memory time and again, will this then for some time prolong the life of them in the now? .. the clock is ticking.. where does the sound go?

2009-10-14T21:52:00.004-04:00

29 Fahrenheit. that is just ridiculous. frost on the car, frost on the outside of the house and on the porch and we haven't even reached the middle of October yet. I'm not sure which emotion in me might be stronger - anger or frustration. I know for a fact that I'm not ready to face the cold season yet. Absolutely not.. and as life would have it, i caught a cold and feel a bit weak and dizzy. My run today was more of a crawl and even after several miles my legs did not really get warm and my muscles still seemed to be cold. the hot shower did not warm me up either, only the overheated bathroom and the blow drying my hair helped a bit. the night sky is crystal clear and stars are sparkling, but who in the hell wants to enjoy the beauty of them while the air is almost freezing. no. no no. it's too cold too early this is a fact

2009-10-13T13:50:00.004-04:00

I cdnuolt blveiee taht i cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the human mnid Aoccdrning to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny imrmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. the rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzaning, rgiht?

2009-10-12T08:43:00.010-04:00

The first real frost hit us last night and the grass is covered with a silver-white blanket of sparkling crystals. it is a quiet morning. i don't think i have heard any car yet or maybe the unfamiliar sound of the heating system is filling my ears and blocking any sound from the outside world. the sun is peeking through the clouds and i might celebrate Columbus Day with a long run. Most likely it would be the first run of the 'cold season', with gloves, hat and an extra warm running outfit. the leaves seem to be set on fire, displaying vibrant yellows and reds. autumn has just one flaw, and that is the fact that it is followed by winter.

2009-10-09T12:10:00.003-04:00

The Nobel Prize for Peace.

Congratulations!

2009-10-08T07:55:00.004-04:00

it is cold in the morning - very chilly. hopefully the sun will heat the air within the next few hours.

blue flowers everywhere and so is the vast profusion of orange. every doorstep displays all kinds of pumpkins, the windows are decorated with black cut-outs in the shape of ravens, witches, brooms, spiders, ghosts and the like. we haven't even celebrated Columbus Day yet, that is if there is actually something to celebrate - but this is beside the point - . every store window has been transformed into a world of grave stones, ghosts and cotton strings, trying to look like spider webs. even mummies and skeletons are on display. maybe it all is supposed to tell me, that it is about the time to start baking witch-cookies, glazed in orange, with dark brown chocolate eyes and sacrifice them to the goddess of the blue flowers.

2009-10-07T08:40:00.004-04:00

I feel very sentimental about these two images. especially the picture of the little angel holding jesus christ as a baby. it is not the religious component that touches my heart, but the fact that this framed image was part of my childhood. if my memory is not fooling me, this picture hung next to my bed but that might not have been the case. All I recall is that it was there, all along. I think it is quite astounding that when i look at it now I feel protected. I do believe in guardian angels, and maybe it all started with this angel, protecting the little baby.

the other image, painted on wood, shows a "Minnesinger" on a white horse. the picture was hanging in the small hallway of my parents home. I always liked the colors, but never quite understood why the man in the lower right corner was either handing the mandolin to the singer or taking it away. Actually I'm not even sure if i cared too much about it. the white horse against the turquoise background had it's own fascination. the horse and it's rider seem to have sprung into my childhood fantasy from another world. a world full of miracles and dreams.

2009-10-06T09:01:00.005-04:00

a face staring at me. a face, frozen to a mask. it's my face that is staring back at me. red lips, white skin. it is one of many faces that appear during the dark hours. those faces seem to be messengers from another realm. i cannot decipher their messages, and they scare me. these masks are performing a ritual dance and i don't know how to unleash their power. I'm scared. it feels like a spell has been put on me and these large black eyes lock me in and i cannot walk away from them. I wonder how it all started.

2009-10-04T16:33:00.005-04:00

I like this sign. 'Road Closed'. it is so simple. I wish life would allow us to set up these simple signs as needed. 'Road Closed'. detour mandatory until new road is found. Parts of this particular road here were washed away during a torrential downpour and it looks like the county does not have the money, or is not willing, to repair it. I love running along this road, because it is still in very good condition for foot traffic . Whenever I pass this sign however i can't help but imagining where i would set up 'closed' signs along my path. Maybe i like this idea because i spent quite some time trying to find out: a) why a road broke down and b) how to repair it.

Abandoning a road can be a liberation or a revelation. i think we all deal with a lot of stop signs on our way through life, that make us wait for the right of way. Compared to those stop signs, a 'Road Closed' sign seems almost energizing as it does not fool you into 'waiting' for the next green light, as traffic lights do. this sign expresses the simplest of all messages: go and find a new way or a new road. And actually, what could be more exciting than having the chance to explore the landscape of life from a different path.

2009-10-02T13:25:00.004-04:00

isn't this flower amazing? one single large beautiful bright yellow sun. At the beginning of October it is still blooming. My camera does not do any justice to the magnificent color. it's a neon yellow. it's a yellow that is so bright that it inevitably makes you smile. I feel like i have brought the sun into the house. i can't stop looking at it. it lifts the spirit and calms the mind and soul to a bright and hopeful place. I just love it.

2009-09-30T17:17:00.004-04:00

The wind is blowing, it is grey and cold and i did turn on the heat this afternoon - for the first time this year.

I guess there is always a first for everything every year again and again. some say that there is a certain comfort in routine and repetition and that might be true. sometimes. Turning on the heat is both comforting and annoying. Comforting because i don't feel like i need to wear gloves in the house, annoying because it is just yet another marker for the cold season to come. Last year we had temperatures in the single digits for months. No, i should not try to predict the future, i know. I should not even attempt to try to predict anything. and of all things, not the weather. even the paid professionals on the various TV channels don't know what they are talking about. at least not in my mind. yes and yes again. weather is a lovely topic, after all. again and again.

2009-09-29T07:47:00.005-04:00

I like the early morning hours, the awakening of a new day.

It is still so quiet when the sun rises into the beginning of a day.

there is this soft almost tender morning light, no traffic yet, almost empty streets. But the days get shorter and the noise sneaks up in the dark.

the sunlight makes its appearance with such a delay, i might say, that my inner clock is disturbed when i see the real time on my watch.

the innocence of a day is deprived of the light and in a few months time the mornings will be celebrated only in the dark.

I wish i could stop the turning of time.

2009-09-28T18:53:00.004-04:00

the sight of the red mushroom reminded me of all kinds of fairy tales.

fairy tales taking place in the dark forest or in a long forgotten kingdom, in a world full of elves and witches, of princesses and dragons. i wonder what the mushroom really symbolizes? does it stand for a deadly poison or for a healing power? is it the one thing the hero has to find or to avoid? Hm. at the end it doesn't really matter. the red mushroom along the forest path was for a moment my gateway to another world, a world of miracles and happy endings...

2009-09-25T17:15:00.005-04:00

just 25 words a day, one lesson per week and 5 months from now i might be able to understand the basics of the Spanish language.

25 words a day comes down to one word per hour. Now, if I take under consideration that i sleep an average of 8 hours a day i have 16 hours left for 25 words, which equals approximately 1.5 words per hour and a total of 175 new words per week. in the following week i have to re-learn at least one word from each hour from last week plus 1.5 new words, so we are at 2.5 words per hour per day. within a month I'm at 4.5 words per hour per day. imagine 8 hours of work and 2 hours of eat/drink that cuts out 10 hours or 15 words per day for the first week which then have to be shifted to the 1.5 words for the 6 hour period left. so that is roughly 4 words an hour per day for the first week only. well. then i have to add the expressions, grammar lessons and verb forms per week multiplied by 4 and then by 5. and then the first Spanish book should be imprinted in my memory. tengo suerte.

2009-09-23T08:20:00.004-04:00

the first day of autumn. some trees are already dropping their leaves, others are changing their colors into fabulous shades of yellows and reds. last night I arrived on the other side of the coin called 'home'. a long flight. a short night. A cup of coffee in the morning. outside. again. the routine is waiting to be picked up. i hear the sound of the train in the distance and I see flocks of birds migrating. the first day of autumn. the glorious red of the morning has faded and dark grey clouds now fill the sky. I hope it will not rain for I want to go for a long walk. A walk back into home before i open all the little beautiful packages, which are lined up on the table. happy fall.

2009-09-18T04:00:00.003-04:00

this morning the sky was covered with condensation trail. A criss-cross pattern enhancing the endless blue. soon i will be part of these patterns again and the world will look different again, all together. all these endless parallel worlds at any given time, just stepping in and out of various realities, if we choose too, if we are even aware of it.

i once read a book and if i recall correctly it was called.

*first blue then white then red*. the story was about a woman who 'disappeared', she left the house, went to the nearest bus stop, got on the next but and just left. the story was told by her husband, her son and lastly by herself.. in the end, after many years she returned home because the layers of reality had all melted into one and time and place mattered in a very different way. come to think of it, this book is powerful enough to be turned into a fabulous movie.

2009-09-17T05:49:00.004-04:00

i have too many buttons and it seems like the whole world knows when and how to press them. maybe i have a user-friendly description printed on the back of my t-shirt and i don't know it?

the upper right one stands for crying, the lower left one for anger, the center one for feeling lost and the white one for uncontrolled laughter. to complicate the matter, sometimes various buttons act out at the same time and life feels really messy. in a weird way i feel like i am observing myself while acting at the same time, almost uncontrolled.. . and i'm sure that somewhere, somehow there is a gigantic switch board operator having a hell of a good time....

2009-09-15T05:25:00.003-04:00

the days are running away from me.

i read the news but it seems pointless. i browse the internet, but my mind is absent. i have vivid dreams but they fade away in the early morning hours. the days are long, yet they blend into each other and lose their distinctiveness once i close my eyes at night.

yet i still clearly remember the planting of heather but i cannot recall the various conversations during the course of the day.

the days are running away and i don't have a ship that is parked in a safe harbor.....

2009-09-14T11:39:00.003-04:00

traveling through time.

traveling through my world of images and thoughts.

which is more powerful ? the spoken word or the image, captured and stored? how do i define my world. i can close my eyes - and sometimes i don't even have to - and different realities are layered above the actual seen reality. but i can only hear one sound at a time. i can only smell one smell at a time and I can only touch one object at a time. so why does my internal image bank trick me and carry me away into different worlds, while my eyes are looking at a real object. or are they not looking at that very moment? is this all an illusion within itself? what do i really see or what do i believe i see? sometimes when i look at a photograph, i'm surprised by what i discover, there are elements which i haven't seen before.reality is almost never portrayed. at least not the way i remember it. but even my mood or the time of the day modifies the memory. i guess 'seeing' is an art, that takes time a lot of time ...

2009-09-10T11:05:00.003-04:00

at my girlfriend's house i discovered a wonderful magazine about design, which i just love. i can never see enough beautiful new modern architecture or new ways to landscape and garden not to mention all the wonderful functional, yet beautiful furniture. a well designed room is not only a joy to look at but it is more so a joy to be in. the harmony of various styles can be energizing or relaxing, depending on the ton, form and color. i would love to work on mood boxes, filled with sample materials of color, fabrics and textures. it's like a puzzle. at the beginning one seems to be lost in the thousands of pieces, but at the end it all comes together and forms a perfect room, house or garden. i just love it. it's quite interesting that certain topics and subjects linger and never lose their attraction and fascination for me. every time my eye catches a beautifully designed object my spirits are lifted. unfortunately the world is mostly filled with ugly stuff....

2009-09-07T10:01:00.008-04:00

I remember lying in the fields and watching the clouds changing their faces slowly. sometimes they displayed dragons, castles and princesses, sometimes just cars, trees and houses.. the cloud formations seemed to be fed from a source that provided an endless abundance of images.. and all I had to do was to lie down and enjoy them. It is very rare now that I look up into the cloudy sky and most of the time i don't see images anymore. the clouds are just an indication of 'rain' or 'storm' and most of the time i just want them to disappear..

the only exceptions are the mountains of clouds seen from above, from an airplane window.. these voluptuous castles still capture my attention.

today the clouds are traveling fast but my mind is absent.

2009-09-05T09:10:00.008-04:00

it's quite windy today. the weather forecast predicted heavy rain showers but so far we've just had one quick downpour. My morning run was joyful not only because I was happy that the weather conditions allowed a run, but more so because i took 75 pictures during one hour. I enjoyed capturing the beauty of this park, with all it's various flower beds, water fountains and little lakes. it is a gorgeous place to run through. I can't help it but being in nature is the best cure for my soul. i don't really care too much anymore for buildings and structures, streets and busy roads. i don't mind them, but nothing puts such a smile on my face and makes me feel more alive than a walk or run through a beautiful piece of land. i'm so very grateful to have a house in the middle of nowhere where the seasons are not just a name or number on a calendar but are a reality that can be seen, heard, smelled and felt.

2009-09-04T04:26:00.004-04:00

Summer is over. no matter how much i want to live in denial, the reality is shaking me up. it's windy and cold in the early morning hours. the Chestnuts are ripe. the clouds rush in and the rain showers don't refresh anymore, they just let the temperatures drop even further.i didn't bring enough sweaters with me. I guess this is the least of my problems. i hate to see summer go. easy living is fading away. the days are getting shorter and the outdoor restaurants already provide blankets for their guests. i wonder how my garden looks like on the other side of the globe and i just had the thought that i might need a garden in a more tropical climate. A place that is never visited by the cold. the sun light, shining through the large office windows is misguiding. I will get myself another cup of coffee. the day is crawling along.

2009-09-03T03:57:00.004-04:00

the work days are long. the office space is the new home. more so than any other place. for about 20 minutes I walked through the neighborhood yesterday and to my own surprise i did not remember a little side street, which took me by surprise.

i left the house early this morning. On the way to the office i came across a little coffee shop, where i sat down on one of the benches and wrote. the coffee store had two entrance doors and the coming and going of all types of people reminded me of a train station. After a while i took out my spanish book, trying to learn new words. i'm curious if i will remember any tomorrow, since i felt so very tired. But getting back to my ritual helps me to stay grounded and focused. and not only this, it actually energizes me for the rest of the day. so i will certainly make it a point to support myself, to look after myself. compassion starts with oneself I suppose.

2009-09-01T06:40:00.003-04:00

A city with a harbor. a large river. container ships. my old home. long time ago. many years ago. and even if it feels like revisiting the past, this is actually not possible. there are a few memories, yet the truth is, that ten years later no thread is left. the language ties the images from the past together. it is the only bridge into the present and it certainly makes me feel 'at home'. listening is effortless, talking even more so. i never have to search for a word, to ponder and think how to construct a sentence and yet quite often to my own surprise i answer in english. it is a sunny day, the bright light is shining into the office. yet when i close my eyes i can see myself sitting in the blue garden chair and drinking a cup of coffee. the transition is so effortless, that i can easily convince myself that i am there, too. Maybe this is how life really works?

2009-08-27T02:03:00.005-04:00

it's ten at night and I am tired. i'm hungry and i want a glass of wine too. it seems like work will never end. it feels like I am sailing in open water, no land in sight. luckily, i went for a run this morning. 50 minutes to myself along a small creek.

tonight is a city festival at the lake, which is the central park of this town. the fireworks just started and i can hear them loud and clear. i wish i could see them too - i love fireworks. they lift my spirits and i'm suddenly a little girl again, all in awe, lost in the beauty of the sparkling colors, the rainfall of beauty.. maybe tomorrow. tonight i will sleep tight..

2009-08-26T03:33:00.003-04:00

the windows are huge. a giant green tree in front of it. in the distance the roaring engines from airplanes. a new morning. the nights are shorter, seem to be shorter. a different flow of time. a new rhythm. the car colors are subtle, the cars expensive. a polished old world. new to me. yesterday's grey sky is still lingering in my soul. arrival. the outdoors still welcoming. delicious grilled vegetables, bread and wine. the simple joy of life.

a subway ride ahead of me. will i remember any of the stations, will the names make me go down memory lane and if so, how will my day be shadowed by them? bakeries with delicious rolls on the way. a hot cup of coffee next to me. a summer day.

2009-08-23T08:54:00.003-04:00

time is passing by so swiftly and before i know it i will be 6000 miles away from this wonderful place. the sky is overcast, the temperatures have dropped and it looks like rain. last night the heavy rainfall reminded me of the Monsoons in Asia. it's wonderful to watch the downpour while sitting on a porch and listening to the water. i drag time. i push time. my suitcase is not packed. stacks of clothes are pulled out of the closet. shoes are lined up.

it is quite chilly this morning. the grass is wet and the air is saturated with moisture. i don't want to leave, i don't want to move at all. i want to sit here listening to the time. that is what i want. the cat is sleeping in the chair next to me. thoughts are running through me like trains on a fast track. i realize more and more that i don't like changes too much, that i have a tremendous need for stability and security and yet my life seems to be filled with quite the opposite. i ponder these thoughts, I argue with myself, i try to understand. security and change don't pair up too well. soon i will be 6000 miles away - for a time. for the time being.

2009-08-22T08:30:00.004-04:00

harvest time. the peaches are freshly picked, the flowers were just cut. they both radiate the beauty of summer and are a synonym for abundance. fresh produce is everywhere: sweet corn, zucchini, peaches, berries, cucumbers, salads, herbs, squash and more. all the farms have their little 'selling stations' set up along the road. card board signs with hand written prices on them invite you to stop and shop. it is a wonderful feeling to buy directly from the farmer and not to browse the supermarket aisles for vegetables and fruits. the purchase on the road side or at the farmer's market stands inspire the notion of healthy food, loaded with vitamins and nutrition.

the smell of these peaches is wonderful and they are a standing invitation to create a dessert, which in my case means baking a cake. And a peach cake is simply delicious.

2009-08-19T07:33:00.003-04:00

summer has reached its peak with steady temperatures in the upper nineties. yet one can already spot early signs of fall. some leaves are turning yellow. the grey sky is a perfect backdrop for this subtle change in color. the days are already shorter and the grass is growing at a slower pace. it seems like nature is pausing for a while before it starts its next adventure: fall. last night a heavy rain shower nourished the thirsty plants and the humidity rose to a new high. the sky is overcast but here and there sparks of bright sunlight appear and millions of water drops sparkle on the ground.

summer is 'easy living'. the abundance of nature. the warm days, the lush gardens, the vastness of the sky. but if you look carefully, you can see the first signs of fall...

2009-08-18T08:04:00.004-04:00

In the early hours morning I was so deeply asleep that the alarm clock was a real shock to my system and my heart made an extreme jump. i tried to find the snooze button, because all i wanted was to go back to sleep. immediately. the promise i made to myself last night was buried under the urge to continue sleeping.

the alarm clock rang again. the second time around my heart did not jump. but my body still felt heavy and comfortable. So I hit the snooze button again. there was a shimmer of guilt entering my consciousness and last night's promise whispered its reasoning with a whimsical voice. However, I dozed off, feeling the warm fur of my cat's belly in my right hand.

i woke up again before the alarm started a third time. i turned it off, knowing that i would most likely sleep in now and that at some point in the morning hours i would feel extremely guilty about the weakness of my will power. i listened to myself and i knew that what i heard was right, yet at the same time, i allowed myself to fall asleep again. this time i entered dreamland.. and maybe i could never wake up.