would the color of the clouds change if the light was turned on?

blossoms are soul food. the abundance of their beauty is a joy. it seems like they are blooming only to celebrate life and the magic power of renewal. I walk through the park in the morning, it's cold and rainy, the umbrella shields from the rain, yet the flowers show off their beauty like no cloud in the sky could ever stop them.

and i can't help it to think how life would be if my mental clouds would not stop me from celebrating the beauty of life.

would i smile. again.?

cold days, windy. the city feels grey, despite the new green leaves, exploding on each tree branch. i'm cold. i'm freezing cold. time seems to be a different beast and with a blink of an eye a day has dissolved. the repetitiveness of the supports the notion of timelessness ..

life feels like a roller coaster. it does. i have the feeling that these days everyone is trying to pull me into a different direction. While I'm the 'good' girl, trying to make it just right. An approach, that will fail. What is a guideline for right behavior if fear is my guidance. i'm aiming for being understood, while i'm accused for not being understanding. life is a roller coaster and sometimes there aren't any simple answers.

the gardens are beautiful. the blossoms and fresh new leaves are eye catching. the morning walk is soul food. hardly anyone can be seen in the park. at best some runners are crossing my way.

i am walking against time. every morning. and at night i am scarred. by lonely roads and the dark shadows. on weekends i go running myself, yet i'd rather avoid the park on weekends, it's crowed and the beautiful emptiness is disturbed. i wonder if i would enjoy lunch there.

three and half months late, Mieze returned.

small, vulnerable, very skinny.

my heard is filled with joy and love.

i love this little small cat, this old lady, this road warrior.

i wish she could talk and tell me what had happened in the last months while she was gone.

her return is a true miracle and it feels like she is telling me another life lesson, as she did the last two and half years..

Spring has arrived.

and dust particles from a volcanic eruption are dancing in heigh altitudes. the sky is blue and yet the black dust from the ongoing eruption is out there. high high in the sky. what we see is not reality, it is just an impression, a glance, an idea, an option. Here in the public gardens, the cherry blossoms have reached their peak, their might be fire works tonight, leaving traces of smoke in the air.

'my soul' or should i say 'my sprit' is still traveling, while my body arrived on the other side of the great ocean. but apparently my body also has some difficulties to adjust to the new environment and 'blesses' me with a severe cold and bad cough. Last night i slept for a total of 12 hours and if i do the math i still need 8 more hours to catch up with the sleep deprivation, which accumulated over the last four days.

When i look out the window now, i see buildings and a grey sky, but even without closing my eyes i can also see the beautiful country road. What is the average speed with which a soul travels?

spring has arrived and so did the rain this morning.

the skies are grey and the temperatures are lingering in the lower 50's again. i hoped to be able to go for a long run before my travel but it looks like the weather will not cooperate. i hoped to work on my flower beds, too. Actually, the rainy weather frees more time, which i can certainly use to start packing or at least to get prepared. making stacks of clothes, printing out my 'what-to-pack-itinerary', ironing shirts, polishing shoes, selecting books and papers, going through my final to-do-list.. yet.. i drink outside, letting the mind wander would be more to my liking...

EASTER SUNDAY!

the house woke up early today. so did the birds.

a long run. 4 miles.

it had the perfect temperature for a run in the early morning hours.

Sometimes a run can be so soothing.

the thought of the finish line disappears and one just runs for the sake of running.

the day is still ahead.. a huge Easter brunch is waiting... the red face is slowly cooling off.

bright sunshine.

time will eat up this day quickly.. but for now it's Easter Sunday Morning.. still

imagine the following colors. grays, greens, browns, beige, black and white.

no image the scene or the object. a duck? a dress? a living room? a city street?

an abstract painting might be the best bet here. But i'm talking about the view out of my window on a rainy spring day. and to my own surprise I can not see one spot or sparkle of yellow or red or blue. amazing. I had always believed that if one looks carefully enough every color could be seen, but maybe this is just wishful thinking or yet another illusion. Maybe the camera, who is currently living in another dimension, would have been able to spot a hint of yellow. maybe.

I cannot find my camera. i looked in every drawer, ever handbag and under every couche. I checked my coats and the car. I went through every room in the house. nothing. it's very upsetting. without camera, no images. without images no blog entry. This thing must be somewhere around here in another parallel universe. it' s probably sitting right next to me and is just not willing to be seen yet - or my system is filtering it out. who knows how reality is checked by our own brains? maybe we tune in and out of various dimensions, without being aware of it or even having an understanding of it? very well possible. i can 'see' the camera right next to my laptop if i could only touch it too. I need to find it. the absence of this object drives me crazy.

the first signs of spring can be found everywhere. the grass is beginning to turn green, the bushes have their first buds and some flowers are actually trying to make their way above ground. just an hour south of here daffodils and snowdrops are already blooming. the grey clouds and the cold winds are a reality too. snow flurries are predicted for later in the day. - a tree can never walk away. -

what was the cat thinking? what does the expression on her face reveal? would she turn around and walk downstairs again if the right word, smell or sound came along? or is her mind set, regardless of all of the above? are we like cats? Could anything be a tricker and consequently we would abandon our original plan?

Sometimes i wonder what is on my mind and what it takes to stay focused.

....excuses are numberless. i need to put an end to them!

one of my new vows, which i should recite daily. I suppose.

the last entry on this blog as six days ago, and why so? because

i don't have an image to upload and the entire idea of the daily happiness is the combination of word and image.

My digital camera is working and it's a bit pathetic to say, that i don't find time to go out and photograph. how much time does it really take? But in my mind i don't even go there, i stop at the thought, which notes that i don't have an image to upload.

Consequently days go by and no entry will be written, instead I built successfully a guilt conscious.

.....the mind is boundless, i need to master it

it's Sunday morning, the sun is shining and the weather forecast looks promising. I have already spotted the first sprouts in my flower beds and it puts a huge smile on my face. I cannot wait for spring to arrive. As a matter of fact i can wait very well, because there is no choice at all here. When were the tulips blooming last year? Easter is also 'around the corner' - 'the corner of time'? that is an interesting thought. time squared. blue skies.

More often then not my mind picks a subject and then holds on to the chosen theme by repeating a few thoughts/sentences time and again. it is sheer impossible to stop my mind, even when I become aware of this 'auto-pilot' setting. The mind seems to have a life on its own, independent from 'myself'. These repetitive thoughts are most of the time negative. Either 'it' (='I') regrets something i did or didn't do in the past, or 'it' rolls out the 'dark' future. It seems like 'I' have no control over the subject matter nor the length of this mental noise. I can feel how 'this' wears me down, eats up my energy and leaves me feeling hopeless and empty. I try to argue against the statements but its a fruitless debate. 'my' mind is very convincing and makes 'itself' sound like the ultimate truth. - the most amazing part is, that 'my mind' seems to have an endless repertoire of topics. sometimes some topics will fall out of 'fashion' but they are instantly replaced by new ones. - I truly wonder what it takes to either stop this 'auto-pilot' behavior of my mind or - at least - to change the topics from negative to positive ones.

'there is comfort in a routine'. is there? or is routine just a way to avoid thinking outside the box?

or is routine a way to master the daily tasks?

is discipline required for a routine?

if so would it be right to say 'there is comfort in discipline'?

discipline as a structure of time, something to hold on to, while the emotions are on a roller coaster ride.

is discipline in conjunction with repetitiveness?

so repetitiveness comforts the soul if it is a freely chosen repetitiveness? yet again, don't we need discipline to go through a routine, because in times we might not like "the doing" at all?

which elements of a routine can be changed?

if at all? and are routines boring - or not?

hm.

snow, snow, snow. snow. and i don't have words left..

I'm so tired of it.. but also incredible thankful that we did not loose electricity ...

.....

windows covered with colored card boards and fabric pieces. Why?

it almost looks like an art installation, but it is is the window front of an old abandoned factory building. it's possible to glance inside but there is nothing to be found. the hall is emptied out.

Whoever covered the glass pieces must have done this with a creative eye. At least that is my 'judgement' here.

there is always something to be seen. even if it is only the attempt of someone to protect the inside from being seen.