I need to make some phone calls. not 'some' phone calls, some very unpleasant phone calls, such as calling a lawyer or a potential employer and i dread these calls. they are on my 'to do list' and i just watch time going by without picking up that phone and without placing these calls. Would i feel better afterwards? i don't know. the thought of rejection or bad news seems to keep me from calling. maybe at times I hate reality, but I'm not so sure if I enjoy the construct in my mind either, because all of it is based on thoughts and fears and hopes. Why are touchdowns so difficult for me. Again, the motto still applies > a step at a time, a call at a time<

red. red. red. everywhere. orange too. almost no yellows left. some black. some blue. a lot of grey though. in all shades. greens are getting duller and darker. white is there. today at least. some white, fairly bright. no violets. no pinks. no turquoise. i have not discovered silver yet. red red red is all i see. for once and for now!

i dreamt that the gods sporadically send a 'night of golden sleep' to us humans. and i happened to be the chosen one for last night's sleep. I vaguely recall that in my dream someone gave a speech about the quality of this 'golden sleep', which was provided by the gods as a gift to us earthlings. My body felt extremely relaxed and comfortable and it was a real joy to sleep, while at the same time noticing the tremendous quality of the deep relaxation and rejuvenation of my body. it felt like a dream and yet it was so very real at the same time. and when i woke this morning i remembered the 'golden sleep' and couldn't believe how peaceful it felt.

However, it didn't take too long before the daily thoughts and worries re-entered my mind - but after i opened my eyes this deep peaceful feeling stayed with me and counter balanced my anxiety.

what a strange experience. what a dream.

Sunday. I slept in - surprisingly enough. And so did the day.

just in the last few minutes the sky was courtiers enough to lift the grey curtain and a ray of sunlight finally sparkled upon the autumn leaves. We have guest this weekend and they just got up themselves. it's a long and lazy morning and i need to tell myself that lazy mornings are alright- and that is quite a challenge! Everyone in the house seems to move at a slower pace and breakfast could easily be called lunch. Nobody seems to be eager to get 'ready' for any kind of activity and my suggestion to go for a walk is greatly appreciated and killed by the same token. it's almost noon and i better stop asking myself what I had done, do and will do- maybe.

'they' say that time is relative, that every moment is just in the moment and that no moment will ever come back. each 'now' is quickly gone; within a blink of an eye they will only be 'history'. But where does this history take place? there aren't any signs of it. maybe from a larger perspective one could consider monuments, houses, mountains or the sun 'history to look at'. yet even these 'objects' change. maybe ever so slightly and not obviously or visibly for our sense perception, but nevertheless they are not static and at some point in time they too will be 'only history'. History is then a place in our brain, a complex package made of images and sensual impressions. And even they fade away and maybe even more so, these 'stored' packages change as we change. So memory is not constant either. nothing is. and yet i look at the evening hours "ahead of me" and the passed hours of the day and it feels like they are real and right there. where? in my mind, and because i can remember a number of moments are those moments then not 'real' at the very moment i remember them? right now? and if i only replay my memory time and again, will this then for some time prolong the life of them in the now? .. the clock is ticking.. where does the sound go?

29 Fahrenheit. that is just ridiculous. frost on the car, frost on the outside of the house and on the porch and we haven't even reached the middle of October yet. I'm not sure which emotion in me might be stronger - anger or frustration. I know for a fact that I'm not ready to face the cold season yet. Absolutely not.. and as life would have it, i caught a cold and feel a bit weak and dizzy. My run today was more of a crawl and even after several miles my legs did not really get warm and my muscles still seemed to be cold. the hot shower did not warm me up either, only the overheated bathroom and the blow drying my hair helped a bit. the night sky is crystal clear and stars are sparkling, but who in the hell wants to enjoy the beauty of them while the air is almost freezing. no. no no. it's too cold too early this is a fact

I cdnuolt blveiee taht i cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the human mnid Aoccdrning to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny imrmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. the rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzaning, rgiht?