Friday morning. friends from the city are staying with us.

everybody is still sound asleep. the house is quiet. the cats are fed. the coffee is brewed, I'm the only one drinking it. 

i woke up with a headache.  i had too much wine last night and i stayed up too long. consequently,  i feel very tired and worn out.

while drinking my coffee I'm reading  the news. it's my daily dose of panic and fear and i start the day stressed and worried. the thoughts are spiraling around the same subjects. it's fruitless but it seems to be the kind of junk food i need for my system.  a worried mind can be very self destructive. its feeding itself with endless repetitions and grows stronger by the minute. there might be no cure nor answer to the growing panic attacks. 

it's another grey day, not too cold though.  i think the plan of the day is to drive to MassMoCa via Troy. why not. It is my running day, too. 

 'the answer my friend is blowing in the wind'.. 

The road not taken. 

I'm not quite sure why this sentence came to my mind this morning but now it is here. big bold, prominent. i spent a few hours  this morning on the web, on news sites and on social sites and i feel - despite these activities - disconnected. time is consumed by this activity and it leaves me restless and confused. these hours did  stir up the unpleasant feeling of being 'out of touch with the latest developments of our world'. all these various ways to put yourself out there. social media. polls. become a friend. etc. this is just the tip of the iceberg. 

and yet there is another reality. right outside my window. the fields, covered with snow. the sun sparkling. the cold wind. the silence. the vast blue sky. and there is a warm cup of coffee. a quiet house. a cat. flowers on the table. the blackberry next to me. the tick tock of the clock on the wall.

the racing thoughts. the endless questions. the road not taken. which one, which of the many?

and would have any other road eventually.. and what does it matter now? the roads to take, the roads waiting to be taken. where do they start and how do i get there?

its a gorgeous day. bright sunlight, yet bitterly cold and windy. 

i got an email this morning from an old acquaintance of mine. 

i really enjoy hearing from people, especially these days. it radiates a sense of connectedness, like fine threads running through me knitting a network of possibilities and interactions. 

what little it takes - sometimes - to change the tone of a day.

years ago, a girlfriend of mine bought the book ' the artists way' for me and I remember vividly a specific chapter, in which the author talked about regaining a sense of possibilities. She suggested using a stack of cards for writing down all the things one longs for and wishes to happen. i think this 'technique' is called  visualizing. the more concretely the ideas and wishes are expressed the greater the chances for them to come true. my refrigerator was one big pinboard, paper pieces of various colors and sizes were pinned all over the fridge. looking back now many of my wishes  did come true,  maybe not necessarily  in the form i had anticipated them, but they materialized.... 

with this said, maybe there is a bigger picture, maybe there are energies and possibilities coming our way, which we don't know of yet. is it really  faith, which I lack ? 

i got up this morning and felt like organizing the house. there is only little i can do as the piles of paper and prints are not mine. i can only observe the ever growing chaos, but it does upset me and i have a very hard time to separate myself from it. 

the house seems small this morning and I'm thinking of my books, stored thousands of miles away. boxes and boxes. i miss them. they formed me. they were part of my life. once. 

everything changes always. really? 

in my world there is a tremendous gap between my reality and all these various wise  pieces advice. every day there is an email coming my way suggesting 'how to enjoy the day' and 'how to live happily'.. all these well intended simplified messages. they are floating through the wireless world. it's an ongoing bombardment. 'count your blessings', 'be grateful', 'stay positive', 'see the chance in this' and so on. it's tiresome. it's pointless. with these simple messages the sender's responsibility is lifted. no need for empathy, no need to reach out. no need to get up. instant soul food. ' be happy', ' think positive', the power of the presence' and so on and so forth.....

where is this going here? i guess i shall say > Happy Sunday and keep smiling >.

Saturday morning. my cat came home yesterday. saturday morning. the sun is powerful today and the temperatures should rise above 32 F . I have to catch up with my every-other-day run, before I stop again. since I'm out of shape it's an effort to get myself motivated and going. I don't look forward to the run as I used to. it feels more like a have-to and not a want-to. I'm not enjoying how often i have to stop, because my heart is beating so fast. i try to catch my breath. i mourn the 'old day's' when I could run for an hour, almost effortlessly. of course i know that the only way to get back into condition is to train. every other day. but my system - or shall i say my psyche? - is more focused on coming up with excuses for today, why i should not run today, why it would be so much better to push the run to tomorrow. i spent so much time negotiating with myself about the run, that I could be back home already from the run! 

I truly wonder why the interruption of a routine results so very often in giving it up entirely. 

what is it that makes us forget how much we enjoyed what we did? what makes it so difficult to get back? what happened to the energy? why is it easier to sit around and think than it is to get up and going? i love to plan and structure, which isn't too bad of a quality. but i can get lost in trying to find the perfect plan, hours go by with planning and re-planing, because the time consumed by this process forces me to re-schedule the day again and again. On one hand I have a very good sense of time - how long things will take - on the other hand I have a tendency to say 'i don't have enough time' very easily, which - I think - is actually a synonym for saying ' i don't' want to do this' or 'i would like to do this, but not all the other crap'. But the real point here is, that the statements of lacking time is a way to frustrate me. i get very upset or even aggressive. and sometimes even in the early morning the day seems to be over and not worth getting started because 'it's too late already'. 

i better get up and running.  now. on this very Saturday.  before this day IS over........

snow and snow again. white and grey are the ultimate colors of the season. actually white and grey is a very beautiful combination, classic, elegant and calming. add a splash of black or blue and it still creates the feeling of harmony - almost every color could be added to this combination, i suppose. it's a wonderful backdrop. white and grey. but after so many months, I'm desperately waiting for a change. 

last night i had a very powerful dream and i wish i could grasp the loose ends  and put this puzzle together again. all i remember is that some city, organization or government had built a sort of elevator that would transport people into the earth. a thousand feet  down, or more. there were two shafts, the rides were fast. for whatever reason a couple, not related, had to bring down sandwiches. once they arrived at the station there was some anxiety, i don't remember why. however they took the elevator down. got off and the shafts exploded. large flames, smoke. 

the couple panicked. the guy was screaming. the woman seemed to be in shock, she did not move, only her eyes were rolling from left to right in slow motion. somehow the man realized that the explosion was part of a conspiracy. that in fact the elevators were still working, that it was planned by a group to ? He knew he had to get back into the elevator but suddenly many 'guards' appeared, some protecting the entrance area to the elevators, some trying to find him. he had to hide. they caught the woman and put her in a glass cubicle. considered her dead. he started screaming. the strawberry sandwich fell on the floor.  - the images faint more and more.... i cant put it together,  there are just color splashes left.

I'm very nervous this morning. time is my enemy. the clock is running at a faster pace than usual. the cat is missing. again. since yesterday morning. the grey sky weighs heavily. the emptiness grows stronger. the peaceful moments of last night seem ages away. nothing stops the restlessness. the night was short. i woke up around 4 pm, later than usual. i opened the window. the cool air cooled off my body but not my running thoughts. the morning hours did not embrace me. the night did not refresh my system. the experience of last evening is still lingering. i hope. at least i tell myself, there is  the peaceful quietness in the little temple. the drums. the strong winds outside. the snowfall. the meditation. the advice. the dinner. the laughter. the listening. the search. 

and there is this morning, this reality. disconnected. a life scattered. a life out of control. the clock is running at a faster pace. this is no illusion. this is a fact.