the silence speaks so loudly and every little sound here and there makes me freak out, when I can't determine its source. last night, in the middle of the night, the calculator started to play a melody. beyond reasoning. i got up and couldn't believe what i heard. there was really a melody coming from this device. i hit a key and it stopped immediately. i went straight back to bed and started counting to avoid any and all thoughts. my heart was beating so fast. i fell asleep again. luckily. otherwise, this would have turned into a night without any sleep at all, with me wandering through the rooms trying to catch the shadows.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
I have a cat and i have a hat.
I have a black dress and I have a large pot.
I have many recipes and i can have quite a few drinks.
I have a broom and I have a house and a spouse.
I have mice, too.
I have a sixth sense and I have a book full of spells.
I have a crystal ball, I have cards.
I have secrets and I have a voice.
Soon the moon will rise.. watch out!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Today at the airport i went to the visitor platform on the 3rd floor. through the large windows i had a great view of a southwest airplane, which was just about to finish boarding and to taxi to the runway. I was tired and therefore to me time seemed to have different levels of speed. i gazed through the windows and saw the suitcases being loaded onto the aircraft. finally the 'finger' pulled back and the aircraft rolled toward the runway, slowly, ever so slowly. i could see the plane turning at the far end of the runway. it stood there for a few minutes before the engines started firing and the plane started speeding, passed my spot. And before long it took off into the orange morning sky. my eyes followed the little blue grey dot until it disappeared into the clouds. it was gone, it vanished. and the gate, right in front of me, was empty. it seemed like there had never been a plane there.I know it was there just a short while ago, but the concrete floor showed no traces of any sort. i stared through the windows and felt very uneasy.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
I need to make some phone calls. not 'some' phone calls, some very unpleasant phone calls, such as calling a lawyer or a potential employer and i dread these calls. they are on my 'to do list' and i just watch time going by without picking up that phone and without placing these calls. Would i feel better afterwards? i don't know. the thought of rejection or bad news seems to keep me from calling. maybe at times I hate reality, but I'm not so sure if I enjoy the construct in my mind either, because all of it is based on thoughts and fears and hopes. Why are touchdowns so difficult for me. Again, the motto still applies > a step at a time, a call at a time<
Friday, October 23, 2009
red. red. red. everywhere. orange too. almost no yellows left. some black. some blue. a lot of grey though. in all shades. greens are getting duller and darker. white is there. today at least. some white, fairly bright. no violets. no pinks. no turquoise. i have not discovered silver yet. red red red is all i see. for once and for now!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
i dreamt that the gods sporadically send a 'night of golden sleep' to us humans. and i happened to be the chosen one for last night's sleep. I vaguely recall that in my dream someone gave a speech about the quality of this 'golden sleep', which was provided by the gods as a gift to us earthlings. My body felt extremely relaxed and comfortable and it was a real joy to sleep, while at the same time noticing the tremendous quality of the deep relaxation and rejuvenation of my body. it felt like a dream and yet it was so very real at the same time. and when i woke this morning i remembered the 'golden sleep' and couldn't believe how peaceful it felt.
However, it didn't take too long before the daily thoughts and worries re-entered my mind - but after i opened my eyes this deep peaceful feeling stayed with me and counter balanced my anxiety.
what a strange experience. what a dream.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Sunday. I slept in - surprisingly enough. And so did the day.
just in the last few minutes the sky was courtiers enough to lift the grey curtain and a ray of sunlight finally sparkled upon the autumn leaves. We have guest this weekend and they just got up themselves. it's a long and lazy morning and i need to tell myself that lazy mornings are alright- and that is quite a challenge! Everyone in the house seems to move at a slower pace and breakfast could easily be called lunch. Nobody seems to be eager to get 'ready' for any kind of activity and my suggestion to go for a walk is greatly appreciated and killed by the same token. it's almost noon and i better stop asking myself what I had done, do and will do- maybe.
Friday, October 16, 2009
'they' say that time is relative, that every moment is just in the moment and that no moment will ever come back. each 'now' is quickly gone; within a blink of an eye they will only be 'history'. But where does this history take place? there aren't any signs of it. maybe from a larger perspective one could consider monuments, houses, mountains or the sun 'history to look at'. yet even these 'objects' change. maybe ever so slightly and not obviously or visibly for our sense perception, but nevertheless they are not static and at some point in time they too will be 'only history'. History is then a place in our brain, a complex package made of images and sensual impressions. And even they fade away and maybe even more so, these 'stored' packages change as we change. So memory is not constant either. nothing is. and yet i look at the evening hours "ahead of me" and the passed hours of the day and it feels like they are real and right there. where? in my mind, and because i can remember a number of moments are those moments then not 'real' at the very moment i remember them? right now? and if i only replay my memory time and again, will this then for some time prolong the life of them in the now? .. the clock is ticking.. where does the sound go?
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
29 Fahrenheit. that is just ridiculous. frost on the car, frost on the outside of the house and on the porch and we haven't even reached the middle of October yet. I'm not sure which emotion in me might be stronger - anger or frustration. I know for a fact that I'm not ready to face the cold season yet. Absolutely not.. and as life would have it, i caught a cold and feel a bit weak and dizzy. My run today was more of a crawl and even after several miles my legs did not really get warm and my muscles still seemed to be cold. the hot shower did not warm me up either, only the overheated bathroom and the blow drying my hair helped a bit. the night sky is crystal clear and stars are sparkling, but who in the hell wants to enjoy the beauty of them while the air is almost freezing. no. no no. it's too cold too early this is a fact
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I cdnuolt blveiee taht i cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the human mnid Aoccdrning to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny imrmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. the rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Monday, October 12, 2009
The first real frost hit us last night and the grass is covered with a silver-white blanket of sparkling crystals. it is a quiet morning. i don't think i have heard any car yet or maybe the unfamiliar sound of the heating system is filling my ears and blocking any sound from the outside world. the sun is peeking through the clouds and i might celebrate Columbus Day with a long run. Most likely it would be the first run of the 'cold season', with gloves, hat and an extra warm running outfit. the leaves seem to be set on fire, displaying vibrant yellows and reds. autumn has just one flaw, and that is the fact that it is followed by winter.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
it is cold in the morning - very chilly. hopefully the sun will heat the air within the next few hours.
blue flowers everywhere and so is the vast profusion of orange. every doorstep displays all kinds of pumpkins, the windows are decorated with black cut-outs in the shape of ravens, witches, brooms, spiders, ghosts and the like. we haven't even celebrated Columbus Day yet, that is if there is actually something to celebrate - but this is beside the point - . every store window has been transformed into a world of grave stones, ghosts and cotton strings, trying to look like spider webs. even mummies and skeletons are on display. maybe it all is supposed to tell me, that it is about the time to start baking witch-cookies, glazed in orange, with dark brown chocolate eyes and sacrifice them to the goddess of the blue flowers.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
I feel very sentimental about these two images. especially the picture of the little angel holding jesus christ as a baby. it is not the religious component that touches my heart, but the fact that this framed image was part of my childhood. if my memory is not fooling me, this picture hung next to my bed but that might not have been the case. All I recall is that it was there, all along. I think it is quite astounding that when i look at it now I feel protected. I do believe in guardian angels, and maybe it all started with this angel, protecting the little baby.
the other image, painted on wood, shows a "Minnesinger" on a white horse. the picture was hanging in the small hallway of my parents home. I always liked the colors, but never quite understood why the man in the lower right corner was either handing the mandolin to the singer or taking it away. Actually I'm not even sure if i cared too much about it. the white horse against the turquoise background had it's own fascination. the horse and it's rider seem to have sprung into my childhood fantasy from another world. a world full of miracles and dreams.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
a face staring at me. a face, frozen to a mask. it's my face that is staring back at me. red lips, white skin. it is one of many faces that appear during the dark hours. those faces seem to be messengers from another realm. i cannot decipher their messages, and they scare me. these masks are performing a ritual dance and i don't know how to unleash their power. I'm scared. it feels like a spell has been put on me and these large black eyes lock me in and i cannot walk away from them. I wonder how it all started.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
I like this sign. 'Road Closed'. it is so simple. I wish life would allow us to set up these simple signs as needed. 'Road Closed'. detour mandatory until new road is found. Parts of this particular road here were washed away during a torrential downpour and it looks like the county does not have the money, or is not willing, to repair it. I love running along this road, because it is still in very good condition for foot traffic . Whenever I pass this sign however i can't help but imagining where i would set up 'closed' signs along my path. Maybe i like this idea because i spent quite some time trying to find out: a) why a road broke down and b) how to repair it.
Abandoning a road can be a liberation or a revelation. i think we all deal with a lot of stop signs on our way through life, that make us wait for the right of way. Compared to those stop signs, a 'Road Closed' sign seems almost energizing as it does not fool you into 'waiting' for the next green light, as traffic lights do. this sign expresses the simplest of all messages: go and find a new way or a new road. And actually, what could be more exciting than having the chance to explore the landscape of life from a different path.
Friday, October 2, 2009
isn't this flower amazing? one single large beautiful bright yellow sun. At the beginning of October it is still blooming. My camera does not do any justice to the magnificent color. it's a neon yellow. it's a yellow that is so bright that it inevitably makes you smile. I feel like i have brought the sun into the house. i can't stop looking at it. it lifts the spirit and calms the mind and soul to a bright and hopeful place. I just love it.