when i wake up in the middle of the night and i can't go back to sleep, i pick a book and start reading. most of the time this activity calms me down and within 10-15 minutes I fall asleep. Last night i read a chapter from 'Beginner's Mind' by Suzuki. he talked about the mind and that the arising thoughts are like waves on the surface of the water. there is no water without waves. no waves without water. the difference is how we perceive the waves. At night it all seems so perfectly logical or at least understandable. And last night specifically. it felt like i had discovered some fundamental truth about thoughts, which is, that every idea or thought can be broken down into various little pieces and the smallest of them can be found in the now. all other pieces are just images used to create a certain phantasy about the near or fare future.. - i felt so happy about this discovery, it felt like a major break through, a huge discovery. like my life would be altered from now on....
I woke up this morning having a vague recollection of last nights discovery but i cannot grasp the magnitude or beauty of these waves anymore. Now equanimity should come into play....
At the Metropolitan Museum they have a current exhibition titled 'playing with pictures - the art of Victorian photo collage'. the work is mostly done by women, who painted or drew images, in which they included the cut outs of photographs. some drawings/collages are really wild, others more conventional. this particularly one reminds me of my childhood. My mom and I loved to draw dresses from this area. My mom was really good and I was always a bit jealous as her sketches seemed to me more colorful and detailed.
However, at some point we drew a simple living room, with a chair and windows, curtains and mirrors. then we arranged the 'cut out' ladies in her fancy dresses in this room. i wish i had some of these old collages now.
I wonder how if felt to be a sailor on a ship like this. this one is an image of the 'Columbus', one of the first ships to reached the east coast of America. Sailing for weeks at end with no land in sight. Did they ever panic? were they afraid? how did they maintain faith?
and then the elements, the storms, the huge waves or no wind at all. what character traits must one have to travel on one of these discovery ships? I bet these traits could be perfectly applied to todays uncertain times.
the sunrise this morning was spectacular, the high rises across the Hudson river were illuminated by the morning sun, and they looked like gigantic orange lamps. i would have enjoyed watching them had i only slept well during the night. Yesterday, at the shoe repair store, a perfect stranger gave me a business card for a repair store, which she calls "the shoe repair alternative" or "THE under the radar shop", - which is supposedly the best in town. She was so excited that she even gave me her email address so i could let her know, what i think of this 'jewel' of a shoe repair store. sometimes the city can be a blast. Perfect strangers crossing paths for a few minutes - sharing a story, an idea, a thought - and then taking off again. This little chit-chat was an energy boost for my spirits. and the crowded subway ride home seemed less annoying than usual.
i remember how very excited i was at the beginning, and how this changed over the course of the year.
i remember going out and shooting images specifically for the blog.
i remember writing my blog entries, while sitting outside under the tree, or next to the fire place, or in a hotel room or in an office.
One year of writing about whatever entered my mind at a particular moment. I'm thinking of making changes to these entries.. maybe only images, or more images, or more text...maybe a theme.. my mind is as foggy as the frosted glass window, for now!