Thursday, April 30, 2009

the temperature has dropped from the mid 80's to the high 50's. quite a difference within 24 hours or less. the flowers seem to embrace the colder air. I think they are actually waiting for some light rain. I am not. and I wish I could go back to the creek and learn Spanish, while my feet are dangling in the cooling waters. Since i started to learn this new language I begun to notice that my overall ability to memorize names and locations, places and actions is improving. and this is a real phenomena for me. i have heard a lot about brain plasticity. but to experience such an immediate impact is quite astounding. i have read that the brain is the only organ that improves over time if we continue to challenge it... . Before i picked up Spanish I was very doubtful that i could really remember new vocabulary and I felt that i might be too old to learn a new language. - how wrong was I ! I know when i go running on a regular basis that my physical condition will improve, all i need to do is run. yet the same is true for learning... it's fascinating to observe that every action performed on a regular basis improves not only that specific 'target', but it also improves the overall 'condition' . the more i run, the more energy i have. the more i meditate, the better my concentration gets. the more i learn, the more information my brain can handle. i suppose energy loves energy. 

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

if you listen carefully, there is a little voice talking to you. all the time. most of the time. it's a little voice within you that pops up at various moments and has a message for you. it could be something small and simple, like 'check that door' or  'do the grocery shopping now'. suggestions or ideas, easy to follow, easy to neglect. nothing out of the ordinary - at least it seems to be that way. 
this voice has a different perspective, a different point of view and  a different take on things. this voice is coming from another world, where so  much more insight is available. some call it the subconscious, others might call it 'intuition'. the name does not matter. what matters is to listen. some days the voice is speaking with such a low tone, that we might not hear it. but the voice is there and it calls for attention, it calls for small actions as well as for big ones. 
it might not follow our logical thinking. the suggestions might sound silly or dangerous or undoable. but the voice knows better. we love to resist this voice, to dismiss it, to tell it how very wrong it is, or how certain things can just not be done because of this and that. Once we start arguing, the voice withdraws. the voice creates synchronicity,the voice leads. do you remember some moments in the past, when you were thinking to yourself, 'and i just had this idea'  or ' I don't know why i did this today, but it turned out that the timing was just right', and so on. 
Yet we successfully quiet and neglect this voice time and again.
whenever we don't listen, we miss out on our true self. whenever we don't follow the voice and the call for action, we block the flow of energy. opportunities get lost and we get stuck and lost. there is this little voice. listen carefully, it's our guardian angel. surrender and ask for answers. why are we afraid?

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

red roses are shared between lovers. red roses are an expression of love, or shall i say red roses are symbols for love. red tulips are simply  'Spring' -  'I'm blooming, therefore Spring has arrived'. my morning book is red. so is my pocket calendar. red is not my favorite color, but a red spot here and there feels just right. red radiates a certain energy. i even have one small room in my house painted red. it's the study, or i call it the study. it's a dark red, a rich red. if i think about it, no, i don't have any clothes in red. not even red shoes, however, i have red gloves. the red tulips in my garden were planted by the previous owner. i love tulips, they are one of my favorite flowers. tulips are friendly and playful.  i love them in yellow, light pink and orange. but the tulips in my garden are red. the color of love.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Monday morning. the weekend is already 'lost in memories'. the forsythias are not blooming, not in my garden. I wonder why? last year they were the very first sign of spring, an exploding power of yellow. but this year they show no signs of yellow blossoms. they don't even grow. nothing. 
it is unusually hot these days and the newly seeded grass needs to be watered twice a day. quite some work. an hour  at a time - at least. 
i did not run. not on Sunday, not on Saturday.  i feel strange, how can I describe this. I'm not lacking energy, but at the same time it seems like the energy is not flowing. On the way back from the city yesterday I was suddenly not so sure anymore if the country side is the place to be. Maybe I should reconsider my decision and keep the apartment? all thoughts are floating in a big bubble. nothing makes sense. nothing points in any direction.  patience and faith are not my strengths. Am I  squandering  my life? where is my enthusiasm? what shadows joyful moments? why i am so doubtful?  there is some comfort in a routine. 
a step, the next step. 7.52 am.. 7.53 am. time is a perfect role model; it runs, regardless.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

two trees, one bush and one cat. one house, two people and two cats. blue little flowers and twelve daffodils. one grey sky and one wet street.  three red books and one coffee cup on the table. two clocks, one time and one day only - at a time.
changes are everywhere. it's only Thursday for today.  for another seventeen hours. it's predictable. it's certain. there will be no surprise. it's beyond my control. seventeen hours to be lived on Thursday.  A unique Thursday. this Thursday in my life. What lies ahead. which turns will I take. to whom will i talk, where will i go and what will alter the course of my thoughts? What will surprise me and what will bring joy. will i burst into laughter or will anger visit me today? how much more counting for the rest of the day? how many hours will be spent IN today's day and how many hours will be used as a travel vehicle into the past or into the future? Which steps will i take today that will pave a way for tomorrow and how many will i not take, paving the way anyway.
one minute. 6o seconds. one blink of an eye.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

i was in the city. i walked the streets of Brooklyn. i entered many little stores but nothing spoke to me, nothing grabbed me, nothing inspired me. I tried to walk with an open mind, i talked to store owners, congratulated one owner on her beautifully crafted floor, reassured another one that I'm just fine and felt bad that one lady had to run back into the store to ask if she could help me, while she had just lit a cigarette in the sun. 
nothing talked to me. so i finally went into Barnes and Noble. i looked at the 'bargain section', at 'new fiction', at Art, at cookbooks but the more i looked, the more i felt absolutely overwhelmed by this enormous collection of books. and i really think i am creative? i really like to write? who am i kidding here? - the book store turned into a creative joy-killer, a monster that shut me down. finally I got my act together and left this place, all energy drained... i looked at the watch and i still had some time left,  so i kept walking down the street and passed an Italian Restaurant with a big 'lunch special' sign. i was hungry but also stingy. with some reluctance, I entered the restaurant and fund myself greeted by a very nice lady. i got a nice table and the lunch choices sounded wonderful. i ordered spinach salad with nuts and apples, spaghetti with broccoli and asparagus, coffee for desert, all for 10 dollars. 
and only after i had left the place did I realize, that this lunch was nothing else but soul food, truly delicious soul food. so very precious. 

Monday, April 20, 2009

the daffodils are blooming. i have various types in my garden. some are shining bright lemon yellow, others have a more off-white color.  some look like a bell, others like small versions of peonies. 
Spring is here. 
from now on, if all my planting last year works out, i shall always have at least one flower blooming. But i will see. i can't wait for May to arrive to plant annuals, to accent the flower beds, to get my pots out and ready, to start my herb garden.  i must admit, i have been to nurseries a couple of times already, but have not bought anything yet. i planted so many perennials last year and i really need to wait and see which ones sprout. there is almost no room left and i don't want to crowd the beds either.
i wish i had a few hundred more daffodils, so i could cut them and have a fresh flower bouquet in the house too. however, i feel very blessed to have a garden at all. what a gift.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

I woke up right around sunrise, the red morning light shining into my face. i did not get up . i turned around and tried to fall asleep again. the cat was not in the room. i couldn't really get back to sleep. worrisome thoughts crowded my mind and tinted the first hour of the day darkly. the glory of the sunrise was fighting with my inner orchestra, which had chosen the 'song of failure' - a piece that starts with some powerful panic attacks, followed by hopelessness and sadness, then works its way up again to anger and frustration, before it fades into helplessness. All i wanted was to drift off into dreamland but my system was alert and awake. So i finally got up, wondering if  i could have stopped that symphony this morning had i only risen earlier. these demons will always be there. i guess they call it home. i cannot stop them from performing nor can i stop myself from listening. But i might be able to stop myself from believing them.  the more my self confidence regains it's power, the more I'm filled with hope for the future, the louder these demons get.
it's a battlefield. i cannot ignore their voices, i cannot turn down the volume. 
i need to create a presence that speaks louder. Or I...... .

Saturday, April 18, 2009

maybe the daffodils will finally open today. at least some of them, in front of the house, on the south side. the last few days were warm enough and the wind has calmed. Because temperatures are still in the 30's in the early morning hours, I won't know until noon. this morning I entertained the thought 'what would i do if i could not fail?' and surprisingly enough, quite a few ideas came into my mind. normally this question does quite the opposite for me. it freezes my mind and a large blank canvas is all there is after this phrase is out in the open. however, this morning i actually had some ideas.
if I really could not fail. - i guess most of the time i thought to myself  'oh, really, what bullshit is this, one of these idiotic mind games, ha. i would be president if i could not fail - and  now. see. nothing changes. because this stupid mind game is nothing but a stupid mind game. 
it takes me by surprise that it is quite something to think this thought really through, to let it enter my system, to really respond to it. what would i do if i could not fail. 
the daffodils will bloom, it's only a question of time. they cannot fail. it might take some time, it might be too cold, too rainy, too windy, too cloudy, too moist, too dry, but they will bloom. 
what would i do if i could  not fail?
the answers are like little sprouts, making their way through the soil. 
what if i could not fail? a world of ideas. but it's so easy to dismiss them by labeling them 'crazy' or 'unrealistic'. daffodils bloom. no judgment. no critical mind. 
yellow bright blossoms. at the hight of noon. what would i do.

Friday, April 17, 2009

'No, you can't do that' - 'No, this is not going to work' - 'No, you don't get the job' - 'No, it's already fully booked '.  No, No,'s are everywhere and we fear them, we dread them, we try to avoid them. It could be a  'no' to an invitation or a 'no' from a friend or even from a stranger. It could be the 'no' from a doctor or from a family member. any 'no' is a potential bomb that could blow us away and set us back. anywhere. anytime. 
But it's actually the NO within ourselves that resonates and makes these external "no's" sound louder and stronger. 
just imagine we were not carrying a 'no' within ourselves and therefore all 'no's' were replaced or deleted. then those external no's would be nothing but wonderful road signs, helping us to stay on track, to avoid one way streets and prevent wrong turns. 
think about it. i will.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

it's early. the silence of the early hours. there are two tiny little red birds on the green lawn. thin clouds,  like spider webs, are crossing the sky. the morning sun tints the landscape with a burning red color palette. a fine layer of dew is covering the grounds. the air is crisp and fresh and my eyes still a bit sleepy. 
two hours later the view out of the window is so very different. in a subtle way though.  the light is full and bright, the color of the sky has reached it's radiant blue and the moisture on the grass has burned off. the birds are not singing anymore and cars are driving along the road. i can almost feel that the day has shaken off its early morning glory. yet the shadows are still long. i feel awake. there is a restlessness in me this morning. a nervousness. my list of little wants and daily to-do's is long and i wish  i had gotten up earlier even before sun rise. i love the magic of the morning. working along the quiet rise of the day is powerful. mornings carry promises. it's all a question of faith.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Wednesday. The middle of the week. 
The Easter weekend seems so far away already. i feel very strange this morning, almost lost in a way. the sun is shining, the cat is purring and the house is quiet. 
i feel disconnected, locked into myself. 
i have no idea or perspective. which way shall I go? 
all i know is that I have to move on and find a pathway into the next chapter of my life. the quiet passiveness does not open new doors. I need to get started, i need a starting point. I need to take the first step. I want to. which thoughts can i trust? what is true intuition? it doesn't make sense to give up my new york apartment from a purely rational point of view. but when the idea occurred to me, the other day, it felt so absolutely right and the thought cheered me up all day long. letting go. changes. new. different. 
In the last few days my mind produced an endless list  with pro's and con's and i know that i could spend months editing new arguments on either side. 
i remember that i once promised myself, that if i had a very strong insight, a very strong intuition, i would set sail and go on the journey.
it was an empty promise. i don't sail. i don't count. i sit still. 
i don't trust myself and therefore i am my own biggest enemy.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Easter Saturday. it's raining. no colors sparkling in the sun.
just a few small flowers are blooming in the yard. the cat and I enjoyed discovering them yesterday. they are spread out. some are white, others have beautiful blue stripes. they are tiny but so pretty.
it is easier to leave the house for a few days, when it rains.. yesterday, during my run, i had moments when my heart was jumping because of the beauty of the land exploding into spring, into the warm winds, into the blue sky, into the marvelous sun. Easter is my favorite holiday and i wish it would be celebrated here like it is in Greece, Spain or Italy. With all the fabulous food and decorations, with all it's magic. Easter is more than an Easter Sunday feast. it makes me angry and sad at the same time that the way life is lived here nobody takes the time anymore to foster these traditions. It boils down to a Hallmark card event and a Walmart dress for the girls and a turkey dinner with friends and family. but there is magic to it, when the house is decorated, the kitchen carries the delicious smell of baked goods, the eggs are colored or painted, the tables are decorated for days on end... it's the glory of spring, of renewal, the rebirth of nature ( not to mention the religious aspect). Easter can lift our spirits, as color and senses come back, the cold winter coming to an end and the longer days inviting us outside. Easter is time well spent when we commit ourselves to the magic of it...oh.. and I must run now..into the rainy day..

Thursday, April 9, 2009

can it be true? it's a bright and sunny day. blue skies and the grass is lush and green and i can almost see the exploding buds on the trees. can it be true? I'm up since three hours and it feels like the day is an endless wonderful path unfolding ahead of me. three hours into the day, into the beginning of Easter. My house is decorated and i might even bake a few more bunnies but before i get crazy in the kitchen i will certainly go for a run. I discovered a new route, a loop around my house, about 4.6 miles long and not too hilly, which is great. the green door will be open today and I wonder if my character will stay another day or two or three or if he's finally leaving. I will see. he has a life of his own and all i can really do is observe his next steps carefully. i have the day to myself and i like it. i like long days to myself.  and having this said i feel waves of guilt rising and sentence are popping up "you should not indulge in writing and running but in finding work,  you are irresponsible" - 
am I really? I'm not so sure. the enthusiasm for life is running through my veins and i can't help it but believe that this is the very right emotion for all else to come.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

a friend of mine wrote to me the other day> I savor the joy of life i have now because i moved on and it is all in divine order<> you will be there before you know it. When you are on the other side you will look back and say - So that is what it was all about<.
'food for thought' as my aunt would call it, and very rightfully so. 
these few words carry so much faith and strength. they are based on the belief that there is a divine order in this world, a good orderly direction for everyone. that life is lived in waves and phases and that moving on and letting go will open new doorways and new pathways. even from a purely logical point of view this makes perfect sense. a cluttered mind, that mourns and harbors resentments and anger cannot, at the same time, invite new ideas and concepts. emptiness is necessary for the new to rise. 
Since living in this rural part of the country I have a new and different understanding about the seasons, i.e. There is a winter where all is put to rest and it seems like nothing would ever rise again. and yet there is also spring. and the transition between the two, filled with anxiety and patience. this basic truth is yet so hard to live. being "dormant" is very frightening. When I feel lost and without new perspectives or ideas, with no new signs on the horizon it is very easy to invite the past right back in, to fill the emptiness with old clutter, to regret, to be angry, to be upset, to beat myself up, to create a list of why-the-wish-for-change is silly and of course undo able.. 
and yet my girlfriend simply wrote... when you are on the other side and look back you will know what this was all about... and... you will be there before you know it... 

Monday, April 6, 2009

this morning, still in bed and eyes closed, yet awake,  Spanish words were dancing behind my eye lids.
I could see some pages from my Spanish book so clearly, as though I were actually looking at the book. i remembered words i would not remember with my eyes wide open. I explain this phenomena  with the idea that my brain has taken many 'photographs' of the pages during my lesson last night.  with my eyes closed and a relaxed state of mind I can access these images, see them and read them. i remember that i repeated the word for 'guest' quite often. and now, with my mind fully awake and my eyes open the Spanish word for guest seems lost ... .....wait: el huesped. is this the word? let me look it up. Yes it is. it is the right word!. so all these words are stored somewhere in my brain. maybe it all comes down to 'how-to-access-information'. maybe I'm still thinking about the book ' a wrinkle in time', where the Cherubim tells the kids to 'kythe' - to communicate with each other, not with words, but strictly with telepathy. he shows them that all they have ever heard and seen is available to them if they allow it to come to the surface. it might very well be the truth for all of us if we could only find the key to open these memory ports.  i have a vague memory that i once read an article in which scientists claim that if we had access to all information at all times, we could not function anymore and therefore our brain controls what is important to know and to use at any given moment of the day... Really. if so, may i please have the remote control? NOW.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

another grey day. another rainy overcast day. it sucks. last night we had a heavy wind storm. the weather forecast predicted wind gusts off up to 60 miles an hour... but i guess i slept through whatever wind storm there was. the lawn looks fine this morning. just a few very small branches. the big broken pine branches are still hanging up in the trees, held only by some lower branches. but the wind is still very strong and maybe the storm will just kick in this morning. sometimes weather reports aren't quite accurate. but as it is what it is and I can't change grey into gold, i don't really care. except for  the fact that I'm frustrated by the endlessness of the grey sky. it seems like there is a factory in some corner of the world that has an absolute overproduction of clouds going on and sells them for next to nothing to the wind. I would like to take an airplane now, to see how thick the grey mass is and then to fly through it until the blue sky embraces the airplane and the sun shines through the windows. 

Saturday, April 4, 2009

how many mornings can you  write about the weather , about the color of the clouds and the sound of the wind?
how many mornings can you write about the morning mood, about the energy  you feel when you open your eyes?
how many mornings can you observe the change in seasons, the birds, the various shades of white or green or grey?
it seems to be so repetitive. but i wake up every morning and every morning  i look out the window and every morning there is 'weather' out there. i see colors and shades and sunlight and clouds. every morning.  
So what does it take to make each morning unique? what sets them apart? is it the level of awareness? I guess it's the willingness to see and to observe without putting a filter in front of us. a filter of words and thoughts, which call for 'same, again, no difference'. a filter that blinds our eyes.  - it's so much easier said than done. if i master looking at each morning with a fresh and uncluttered mind i would probably be enlightened. 
but i wake up every morning and every morning i see colors and shades, sunlight or clouds. every morning i can start all over again. life is a beautiful lesson.

Friday, April 3, 2009

My yard is full of robins. I love their wonderful red bellies.
it is Friday. with a blink of an eye another week has passed. the daffodils are growing and within the next two weeks i hope that their beautiful blossoms will turn the beds around the house into a joyful  beginning of the gardening season. the nurseries are already filled with spring flowers and the smell and look of this sea of color is like an aphrodisiac. yesterday I had dinner outside, for the first time. it was wonderful to see the sun slowly setting over the hills in the distance, while enjoying a glass of wine and a grilled steak of tuna. today, however, grey has made its comeback and would it not be for the robins and the patches of green, one could still believe that this Friday is yet another cold and wet winter day. 

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Thursday. another day in spring. waiting for  the awakening of nature. the skies are overcast for the third day in a row and and the dark rainy sky is weighing heavily on my spirits. the grey cloud cover mutes all colors and it feels like the air is more dense and compressed. the weather forecast predicted bright sun shine this afternoon and rising temperatures. 
I'm trying to get all must-do's out of the way so i can enjoy the sun rays later on. I'm eager to leave the house and feel the sun touching my skin, embracing my face and cheering me up. 
I'm anxious and excited. i woke up  with a gloomy spirit this morning. i have tons of nervous energy running through me and the to-do list in my head start to get longer and longer! a day is  not enough to conquer it, nor is a week or a month. i dreamt that i was traveling with a girl friend of mine and we were buying one ticket after the other for our world trip, yet we couldn't get over the fact that for each flight we had to buy a luggage label for 17 dollars. so every cheap ticket felt like a scam as the luggage label fees needed to be added to the purchasing price. the friendly airline representative showed us the names of the people, who are blackmailed by the airlines, because they complaint about this new procedure. i knew most of them and it made me proud and i gladly let my name be added to the list. it cheered my up. and so does the memory now. may the sun burn through the clouds. it's Thursday. at last.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

the massive wood piles are quiet reminders of the ice storm. 
by-passers will not know why these piles are everywhere. for them they blend into a typical country picture. there are farms, cows, fields and wood piles. nothing out of the ordinary. to me these piles resemble power. these dead trees, these tree trunks piled upon each other are like troops, like an army ready to march. how many years are lying there? how may winters and snow falls, how many thunder storms and heat waves had those trees seen? and now they are silent reminders of a storm, which broke them. And yet they  are still so strong. Eventually, some of them will burn in my fire place and the flames will melt away my memories.