7.54 am

the morning mist is slowly melting away.

a gorgeous day is unfolding and soon i will be gone.

life has it's own rhythm and i don't get the rhyme.

two people walked along the beach. i can see their foot steps. i did not see the people themselves. the foot steps are the only reference to their walk, to their presence on this beach. it's a beautiful long white sandy beach and i wonder what their conversation was about or if they talked at all. were they good friends, were they lovers, what brought them to this beach and where did they go? foot steps in sand are fragile. when the tide rolls in they will be washed away and nothing will remind of their walk anymore. I can still see them, i see them melt together at the horizon and the story of their walk is unfolding in my thoughts.. the vast emptiness of the ocean carries many stories, i suppose and they will all be washed away eventually. does it matter? no, i suppose not. but i love to have a glimpse of a story untold.

the grey sky lingers. the ocean is tinted a dull color. the winds are milder. the rain is still around. the beaches are empty and the temperatures are on the cold side. gloves, warm jackets, shawls. I tell myself that my powers are not strong enough to influence weather patterns. I tell myself that, regardless of the cold humid air, the sound of the ocean is still marvelous. Every day it gets harder to ignore or 'overlook' the cold and the rain. I can feel disappointment and frustration crawling into my thoughts. i feel lonely. the evening rain shuts me down. I was sitting on the wet sand banks yesterday, eyes closed, listening. this morning i hear only the rattling sound of a server. the morning coffee gets cold. Today I will walk on the beach again. regardless. 

I'm a 'structure' girl. i love them. Structures in any possible way, in the broadest meaning. Structure in the sense of order, of function, of smooth operations...

piles of paper filed away, garden tools placed on the garage wall in a neat way, herbs in the kitchen nicely arranged, a table decorated for dinner, a house full of Christmas flair, a work station functional and clean, a suitcase well packed, a car equipped with all 'essential tools', food well stored in the fridge. i love magazine's about homes, i love furniture stores, i love accessories, i love design. i never get enough. i love structure

structures give me a sense of security, a sense of control, a sense of mastery. the way a gift is wrapped can become more important than the item itself, the clean workspace more than the work. in other words, i edit before i create. my editing is very creative. it is even unique. I'm a creative editor who loves structure. i believe in my ability to structure. it is safe and it is fun too. it is a gift to be able to edit, to organize, to structure chaos.

Recently i began longing for pure creation. for the flow of thoughts and ideas. 

i want to put the process of structuring aside - at least for a minute, an hour, an afternoon.

this safe haven will not disappear - this what I tell myself, while setting the sails.

it rains. it rained all day yesterday. it is said that nature needs rain, that plants and trees were waiting for the water, thirsty and needy. 

water is life. fine. i want sunshine - now.

the grey clouds cover the sky and all spring colors look muted. it rains. I'm near the ocean. i can't hear it. everything has a sound. the rain does, certainly. the ocean does. and apparently so do rocks. the sound of the universe. imagine hearing all sounds of all objects. it must be deafening. or maybe not. maybe it is a revelation. 

it rains and the falling water drops are absorbed by the earth, are repelled by the car roofs and by the paved streets. i can hear the wind in the crowns of the trees. i cannot hear the ocean yet. i hear the rattling sound of machines, the clicking sound of key boards. i can hear my own breath. rain is sound, too. it's a beautiful sound. i wonder how the shafts of sunlight sound.

ground cover.

it covers the ground and it blooms beautifully in early spring.

i pulled most of it out. last year, 

not knowing how beautiful it would be and how essential ground cover is. its leaves stay green all year round. it helps protect the bed from weeds. it blooms. it meanders. it is a wonderful plant.

ground cover.

'trust your inner voice' , 'trust your intuition'. i have heard it, I've been told so, i have read about it. listening is the first step, trusting it is the second step and following  - which is the one I have the most problems with - is the third  step. I trust the voice if it calls for small actions in daily life. I can listen and i can follow through. but if this voice recommends action on a bigger scale it becomes a totally different story. I get desperate for reassurance because there is no point of reference, there is no comparison, there is no control. very often, its advise seems irrational,  it seems even 'counter productive ' for my life's set up -  if  judged by my mind. 

here is what i do when i hear the voices advise: i start asking others about it. I get my family involved, my friends and even acquaintances... the more opinions i can gather the merrier.. only to be left more confused.. there is no 'right' or 'wrong'. there is only the 'doing' or 'not doing'. it is as simple as that. but there is lots of time spent trying to set up rehearsals for the action. yet there are no rehearsals, it is always opening night. every time. 

maybe deep inside i do not trust that voice.. maybe it just seems like it.. because following that inner voice on a very small scale does not create any risk, does not call for any risk taking. So i do act upon it and yet i don't, because the 'outcome' does not really matter that much to me. 

this voice leads into the unknown. it opens doors and wants me to walk through them. i shut them time and again. i don't trust that voice - and - I'm afraid. that's what it comes down to.

very interesting. now, what if... ??