I couldn't sleep last night. I woke up at my 'usual' time around 2.20 am, and before the tossing and turning got too crazy I picked up a book and started reading 'the Lotus Still Blooms'. i tried to dive into the reading, to empty my mind of all other worries and thoughts, to concentrate. I wasn't too successful though. it felt like my recurrent worries were just drilling their presence deeper and deeper into my system. The cat snuggled and purred. the night was quiet and dark. whenever i closed my eyes and the torturing thought patterns returned. so i turned on the flashlight and continued reading until i came across the following sentence> all that I am is the result of all that I have thought< (Buddha). It made me smile and eventually i fell asleep again.

the race is on. that's how life seems to be these days. i can only see part of the track from where I'm positioned, high up in the bleachers, next to the umpires place. the starting gates are positioned. It seems like i could watch the race and at the same time could also be part of it. the referee is my inner voice, which challenges me. this race is all about speed. speed is time. time is money. what a simple equation. what if i come in last? what if I am disqualify? what if the race starts without me? the race is on. and i can't see my starting number.

the side of the roads are flanked with these beautiful fragile blue flowers. the wind is playing with them and they move so softly in his arms. these flowers are a synonym for summer. long and warm days with plenty of sunshine. summer 'is'. summer is an abundance of colors and flowers. carefree days. the blue sky is the limit. the light glimmers in the heat of the afternoon. the shade under the trees is a welcoming resting places. the sun light is bright and the evenings are mild. summer seems to hold no surprises other than the beauty of life.

down the street is one of my favorite houses in the neighborhood. it's a fairly large old white house, with a huge porch and three little barns or sheds next to it. a creek marks the end of the large descending yard and old trees flank the walkway up to the house.

in the last few months, the owners - even though i never see anybody there - started to renovate it and by the week it turns prettier.

the other day i saw, for the first time, a car parked there. this beautiful old Jeep. i walked up to it and inspected it like i was going to buy it! In the back of the Jeep there are still folding benches, which one can put down for additional seating space. I wonder where this car has been? I want to believe that this car had its wild days in Kenya or Senegal, in Namibia or Tanzania and is now retiring here, on these old dirt roads in the countryside. it is a very strange sight, the old farm house, freshly painted and brought back to it's glory, the little sheds, still undergoing some paint work and then this car - a beauty - almost from another world. I want to drive off in this car and listen to it's story more than i want to listen to the house.

when I saw this barn i immediatelly thought of strength and power, of security and protection. this barn is sitting on the land as though nothing could ever harm it. it is present, colorful and simply 'there', like there couldn't be any other place for it on the entire planet. it always strikes me if a house or an object seems to be so perfectly right as it is and where it is. i wonder if people can radiate the same 'energy'. Actually i know that some do. there are the once you meet and you get the immediate impression, that they are at peace with themselves. it's lovely to talk with them, it's great to be in their presence. they make life seem so 'easy' and all difficulties and worries just melt away. My cat has that gift too.

last night i attended a lecture on Ikebana. it was very interesting to  hear about the history and the various meanings of this art. However, the simplicity of the basic concept really touched me. the three 'symbols' creating the universe> heaven, earth, consciousness /beings. the three different height levels. the fact that you have to think of the place where the flower arrangement will be seen and that it is almost considered to be a painting, like a two dimensional object. I looked at my little vase on the dining room table that evening and i realized that my flowers are truly not arranged with any meaning or concept. not that i like them less now, but i found it intriguing to at least try a different approach. for example an arrangement  for the kitchen window sill or for the vase on the side board. So i went out this morning, cut some grasses and flowers and gave it a try. Just doing it enhanced my mood. the focus on creating something beautiful in the early morning hours is beautiful within itself. 

I'm anxious today. I feel restless and unable to concentrate. My heart is beating fast even now, while I'm sitting at the desk. the cat and i were inseparable last  night. i woke up at 2.20 am. I wonder what part of my brain determines this wake-up time in the middle of the night. this is almost a new 'pattern' now. precisely 2.20 am. Worries occupied my thoughts. it was dark last night, no moonlight, no flickering shadows, absolute silence. i turned and tossed for a while, then put my hand on the cat, which was immediately followed by a deep purr and i realized that i was smiling while listening to the soothing sound. i fell asleep again and it took me by surprise  that it was already 6 o'clock when i woke up again. I had the most amazing dream about finding a doctor. once i got off the subway i realized that i didn't have my handbag with me, consequently no money, no cell phone, no address. it was quite  chilly outside, the sun was setting and suddenly i couldn't see any more, my vision was completely blurred. i panicked.. at the end, i found the most amazing doctor in the world.. but that is a long long story.. 

the power of nature. last night, during a severe thunderstorm, a huge branch of a tree was struck by lightning and came down. torrential rain and thunder accompanied the destruction. wow.

it's a perfect morning. the temperatures are in the upper sixties, the sky is a bit overcast, light rain falls every so often. the birds are singing. Thursday. if i could change anything right now i would turn the clock back for a couple of hours in order to catch the innocence of dawn. 

my gaze gets lost. so do my thoughts. it feels like i could sit here for hours at end and just listen to the sound of the rain drops, the cars coming along the street once in a while, the birds, my breath. it's a very unreal morning. it's a perfect morning.

this is the other lion at the estate's entrance. for today's call it seems the right image. he looks like he could oversee the territory. I'm  not quite sure if he would actually jump up and attack, but at least he seems to radiate enough threat to keep one going. to avoid trouble. to stick to the task. to be diligent. it's wonderful how even a stone sculpture can be humanized just by one's fantasy and the thoughts projected  onto the object. I could also read in his eyes the wish to be left alone, not to be bothered. Maybe he wants to doze like his brother does, if they are related at all. if i named him i would call him 'summer'. and the more i think about 'summer', the more i imagine him to be protective of the house and the people living there. and i want him on my porch too.

the other day i visited an old estate and the entrance to the mansion was flanked by two stone lions. a sleeping lion to the left and an observing, watching lion to the right. what an interesting way to welcome anyone into the house. i like the image of the sleeping lion. the animal seems to be dreaming, his head resting on his large paws. the face looks a bit sad. this stone lion is not a masterpiece, but it is still a symbol of power, guarding the house. he seems to fool everybody with his closed eyes and his relaxed body. to me he symbolizes danger more effectively than his awake counterpart on the other side of the stair case. Maybe I should go on a Safari. Or maybe i should just be aware of the sleeping demons surrounding us. 

last nights thunder storms were so scary. thunder and lightning were striking at exact the same time right above our house. at least it felt that way. the lightning was so bright that it hurt the eyes. no wind. no other sound.. after a few minutes the thunder rolled away and the rain started. within seconds it turned into a torrential rain fall and almost as fast as it came it went away. silence and darkness returned. but just for a little while and then the entire spectacle started all over again. rolling thunders, lightning and finally heavy rainfalls. even though i know i'm save in my home i felt so scared. the power of nature is overwhelming. it displays its beauty almost every day, and all over a sudden it can turn into a violent power. maybe its just my senses that judge one side of the token to be more pleasant then the other one. what ever it is though, i know for a fact that last nights storm kept me awake and made me feel so very little and helpless. 

The only thing that could function as a reminder  of last night storm system is the wet grass, sparkling in the sunshine. 

the sun will prevail. the run yesterday was harder then expected. new flowers need to be planted today. the hey field is changing it's color. the sewing machine works fine. last night - in my dream - i lost a friend and it felt like my life would fill up with emptiness. none of my dream-bodies are related to real life people. but what is real life anyhow?  i don't want to engage in this philosophical thought concept now. however, the dream felt very real. the morning sun carries a sliver of fall-  already, at the beginning of July, i wonder why. Everything is changing - why did nobody teach me this lesson while i was a child? why do we all  not understand more of the nature of life. this precious life.

every other day. today is not 'the other day'. in other words i will not go for a run. I'm very tempted to do it anyway. my last run was really enjoyable and fast. after so many weeks and months of trying to get back into shape it felt as though i finally regained a certain comfort level. and it makes me wonder now what it would take to increase the distance. right now i run between 3 and 5 miles, depending on 'the other day'. it probably requires  more effort and additional time per run, but most of all the ambition to do it. or maybe even more so the belief that I really could if i tried. do i second guess myself?maybe. Somehow the 5 mile mark seems to be the limit. the limit i chose. but why? do i apply the same limitations in other areas of my life too?  a kind of 'don't dream, be realistic' attitude that rules my behavior and sets boundaries my not second guessing them?  maybe so. so maybe breaking this rule is what it takes to go further. to say goodbye to the neat arrangements of 'then and there and how and why'.  A run is a good way to think this through....

this morning, when i woke up, the drive way was wet. it must have rained last night. again. the air is damp and the morning fog gets denser by the hour. it's cold and  uncomfortable. and if someone would tell me that it is October instead of July, i would absolutely believe it. i'm so very tired of this rain. i don't live in Canada, or Seattle. i don't. I never thought that weather would become a serious topic of mine. I want to go to the creek and swim. i want to go for a pick-nick. I was locked inside the house all winter long. 

I know that I can't do anything about it.  it does not matter whether i complain, yell, scream,  or get angry and depressed. nothing changes this freaking cold front or whatever this sick annoying aggravating weather can be called. 

alright. so it's Wednesday. did i mention this? by the way it's July too and i think the year we are in is 2009. not that it matters. anyhow. 

it's Wednesday and I may add that it is Wednesday morning. My run will most likely end in a down pour and the planned walk with my friend might turn into a coffee-couch event.

i'm cranky. period. and i shall finally hang a few more pictures and work on the new cover letter. but first of all, i need to step inside before the fog is closing in on me. 

living here is like living in a time capsule. 

if i look out into the fields i could certainly claim that we are living in the year 1850. i see some horses roaming in the distance. no electrical wires distract the view, the roads are not paved. the houses are old farm houses. even the train tracks fit into the picture. the 21st century is lived somewhere else. 

but this little machine on the garden table is the perfect expression of modern times. the flowers however, are timeless. so is the sound of the birds. my thoughts are wandering and i can see myself moving to an even more remote place. But when i see an airplane high above me, flying to a destination unknown to me, i just feel the urge to travel. the urge to go to other places, to see 'the new', to inhale different cultures. it might be the craving for new input, for new ideas to be seeded deep inside me - possibilities waiting to unfold. 

Monday morning. it's already past seven. again, no clouds in the sky. between yesterday and tomorrow is just an endless stream of time. ticking. and this is all there is. i see my cat cleaning herself, comfortably sitting in a chair. the neighbors get ready for Monday. some cars have already driven down the small country road.. 

There is a reason behind everything. that's what i have been told. or is this just a thought structure for simple minds to accept the 'what-is' - no matter what is?  

i feel disconnected. 

beautiful images, positive words, positive feelings. belief.  sounds unbelievable. 

There is an entire planet out there spinning.. and i feel locked out. what a morning...

the sky is blue. no clouds. none.

it is warm and sunny and in the early morning hours this simple fact lifts my spirit. 

a wonderful day ahead of me filled with bright sunshine, the smell of sunscreen lotion on the skin and the growling noise of the lawn mower. the day has an innocence to it. not only because it is so very quiet with just a few birds are singing, but because the blue sky seems to block out all possible disturbances. i'm sitting in the cooling shade of one of the large trees in the yard.. quietly. last night's dream is fading away, and yet i wonder why I dreamed the exterior of my house needed painting. while the contractor was preparing the estimate i discovered an additional floor filled with beautiful furniture. high ceilings, wonderful old balconies, but there were also hundreds of large rats. how could i have lived in a house and not known that there is an extra floor ? even from the outside one could see the third floor - its windows and balconies. i could not afford the estimated repair costs, but this gigantic mansion needed to be renovated. a huge house in a colonial style city. many entrances. i woke up several times last night but whenever i fell asleep again i continued dreaming about the house, its many rooms, the various talks with the contractors, the sensation of rooms which had not been used for a very long period of time. and then all these rats. strange. i can still see all the details of the house and the rooms, and i can layer them over the perfect blue sky. (the invention of image-altering programs seems so logical when you think of it). sunday. in the true sense of the word. sun-day. 

the color of my U-Haul truck would have been a good fit for a 4th of July picture. Yet the image is still not uploaded to the computer. 

it's amazing what can be done in 72 hours. Emptying out an entire apartment, loading all the boxes and  various objects into a truck, driving to the new destination, unloading and distributing the stuff. 

As a result of all this frenzy the house looks quite full now. there is almost no room left 'to breathe'. almost. I hung some pictures in the garage and i really like the look of them - After all these years all my belongings are in one location again. in one spot. out there in 'no man's land'. strange feeling. it will still take time for me to realize that this is my home. from here i can go 'out into the world' ...and i need to and i want to. one chapter is closed. so is one door. and i'm waiting for new ones to appear... let's roll the dice.