8.30 am. the coffee is still warm. I'm eating some almonds. not that I'm hungry, but i have a lot of nervous energy this morning. On the one hand i want to go back to bed and curl up with the cat and doze off, on the other hand i want to put on my running gear and run for an hour or more. it's freezing cold so running is not an option and going back to bed is  not an option either. Since I have no work I could go back to bed and sleep the day away, but it is  just impossible for me to do that. it feels like throwing life away, neglecting a day. running away from unpleasant feelings. from anxiety and nervousness. maybe i would do it if  - in some miraculous way - it would solve my issues. No it will not. not for me at least. there is a certain power in simply 'doing' that invites fresh energy and positive thoughts. no matter if the doing is 'going to work' or 'creating work for yourself'. the sheer act of 'getting up and going' sets a different tone for the day. it instills a sense of accomplishment, a sense of power, a sense of self-worth. I have a few spring flowers on the table - purple, white and yellow. a friend gave them to me. it is a joy to see them blossom.

I' m scared. I am nervous. angry. I'm still a young girl, hoping that a knight will come and save me. change my world for the better.  what a deeply engraved belief and it works wonderfully as a wall of resistance. As a shield I can hide behind, where I sit and wait - and pray, if i would. 

i will leave the house now. i will go for a walk. exploring life.