I had this 'crazy' thought this morning that my house is my Sanatorium. That it is the place i have chosen to heal from the craziness of the past, from the craziness within me. That it might be the place where i will find myself. it is a place outside of time. the daily madness of city life is far away. the magic of nature - in every aspect - is healing. truth arises. it is a place far away from judgement, from expectations, from the competitiveness of our lives.

i can fully understand why people retreat to cloisters, ashrams or temples. there must be a reason why drugs, pills and alcohol are on the rise. the outside world and  the  inside world don't match up anymore. the tempo is faster. 

i sometimes fear that I will be punished for this 'time-out' here. for having the luxury of this beautiful place,  the luxury of writing and planting, of seeing flowers grow and clouds travel. but the concept of 'punishment' is a very harsh approach to life. it embraces the idea of right and wrong. of 'musts' versus 'wants'. of 'deserving' and 'earning' versus ' receiving'... I wonder how and when these thoughts entered my mind.... ages ago... . 'you don't deserve this', 'you must', 'you should', 'you have to', 'get serious', 'get real', 'get out'... chants that are repeated over and over again.. .

i hear them more clearly here. in the stillness i can feel the weight of the words. the power of destruction they carry within them. there are other words - courage, softness, creativity, tenderness, bravery, curiosity, eagerness, energy, trust, support -  which carry completely different tonality and weight. sometimes it as simple as this - changing a word can lift the spirit and alter the 'mood'. Why are we all running through life?