I woke up right around sunrise, the red morning light shining into my face. i did not get up . i turned around and tried to fall asleep again. the cat was not in the room. i couldn't really get back to sleep. worrisome thoughts crowded my mind and tinted the first hour of the day darkly. the glory of the sunrise was fighting with my inner orchestra, which had chosen the 'song of failure' - a piece that starts with some powerful panic attacks, followed by hopelessness and sadness, then works its way up again to anger and frustration, before it fades into helplessness. All i wanted was to drift off into dreamland but my system was alert and awake. So i finally got up, wondering if  i could have stopped that symphony this morning had i only risen earlier. these demons will always be there. i guess they call it home. i cannot stop them from performing nor can i stop myself from listening. But i might be able to stop myself from believing them.  the more my self confidence regains it's power, the more I'm filled with hope for the future, the louder these demons get.

it's a battlefield. i cannot ignore their voices, i cannot turn down the volume. 

i need to create a presence that speaks louder. Or I...... .